April - Hiding Out Time

I can appreciate that April is Autism Awareness Month - for others. For me, of course, I am acutely aware and I usually have to duck and cover when all of the email and phone calls start. "Did you see that article?" "Did you see so-and-so on Larry King, or Montel, or CNN?" "Do you really believe in chelation?"

Oh, everyone means well. And, it's not them. It's me.

I just have to say that I am in the middle of my son's recovery journey and our venture into biomed treatments and that makes me a little shaky. Don't get me wrong, I am an advocate for my child. I have been the researcher, teacher, therapist and gluten free/casein free/yeast free/sugar free (and probably taste free) chef until I could just drop dead of exhaustion. But comes a time, as Neil Young sang, when the smartest thing I can do is to keep my focus on the present and not get pulled down again into the muck and mire of the "painful story." Comes a time to be quiet. To seek sanctuary. To accept what is.

(Here's where parents scream that they don't have to accept their child's current state of autism and do nothing).

What I mean is, if you don't accept the way things are in the present moment, then assume a stance that is warrior like (fighting autism, battling autism, winning...) what you are doing is pushing against the present and creating resistance - PAIN. You can accept something and decide to take a course of action without all of the thoughts about it that create the pain. When you really think about it, all we are doing is reacting to words, to thoughts. (Why people meditate, but that's another conversation).

Once again, I proved this to myself today. I had the thought, "Where am I ever going to get the money to take care of my boy if he winds up in a home? (Tears). He is so far behind now he won't be able to ever catch up with his peers. (More tears). I mean, we are not even past the word "ball" for God's sake and he's 5 years old. (Unconsolable basket case).

After talking to my sister (thank God she is retired and actually studying Tolle's work), I was helped back to the present moment and had the following thoughts: My son is so happy, look how far he has come in a year. (Tears drying up). Look how far in just one month. (Brighter). He is blooming like a flower, it's subtle, it occurs when you aren't watching, or it is slow growth and you miss it, but it is steady and every day something great happens. (Picking up the energy). It is possible for a child to move through his milestones swiftly once the connections are made. (Feeling better). He'll catch up and so what if it is not in the "usual" timeframe. So what? (Back to balance, well-being).

When I talk about reaching for relief thoughts, this is what I mean. I have been given an incredible opportunity to practice this on a daily basis and it is life-changing. The Teachings of Abraham have been of enormous importance in my life. (See side link for more information).

But I digress...

My son is on Spring break all week until next Tuesday. There has not been much to do with the weather being kind of foggy/cloudy/humid. I had been dreading the week because I truly cannot get a lot "done," which is mainly the work I do at night if, that is, I can keep my eyes open after Lib goes to bed. But, turns out I have really enjoyed being with my boy. Perhaps it is because he is engagable now. He is communicating his needs to me better. Not only that, he is sharing experience with me. It feels as though he is more present now, too. He is looking at me more and more, searching my face, sharing smiles.

I put a little table in a corner of the kitchen that has become our therapy table. Liberty puts his headphones on for his therapeutic listening and we sit and do puzzles or color or something like that to get him to focus for gradually longer periods of time. The CD he is now listening to has nature sounds on it. For a few minutes this morning, I could not figure out how I got crickets in my house, then I realized it was coming from my child's head! There are also dolphin clicks on this one which he loves.

Last night, we watched Finding Nemo together on the couch. I love to watch his little face, the way it lights up when something funny happens, or how he is scared but thrilled when something terrifying is happening and he buries his head in my neck. He did not let me up off the couch and when I tried to get up to do something, he pulled me back down and gave me a pleading look that I had never seen before! And, today, I got a huge kiss then he put my hands on his ears, meaning, "please put my headphones back on, mom."

He is doing lots of pretend play. I see animals and little people hopping all over the house. I know when he is playing, I hear it on the stone floor. Hop-hop-hop, throw. Hop-hop-hop-hop-hop, throw.

It still breaks my heart though, when we go to the park and I see boys his age, or worse yet, kids so much younger than he is, who are running with their friends or siblings and talking up a storm and pointing. While my son is not withdrawn, I don't see any of that "normal" stuff. My wish for him is that he had some folks to play with, who would allow him to be as he is. There was a little boy in our neighborhood who loved to come down to "Wiberty's Woom" and who was very verbal and very nice to Lib. He used to ask why Liberty was not talking and I could tell him and he seemed to understand. He would take his hand and say, "Come on Wib..." Or if Lib was doing something silly, he would sit and laugh. Unfortunately, his family moved last summer when we came home from our DAN! doctor visit in New York. Children like that are GOLD to me.

Another reason for sanctuary this month: The IEP is a coming down the pike on the 10th. And, I have to figure out why my son is not being taught PECS and whether Verbal Behavior is better than PECS and I have no idea really. So, my sisters are coming along with me: One is a retired speech therapist, the other sister is a former teacher of deaf children and adults who is fluent in sign. I call them The Big Guns. Seriously, I need help sorting it all out.

I was getting ready to end this long-winded post, when Lib walks in and starts turning off the lights and puts his arms up to me. This is the cue for "I want to go to sleep." As we go to his room, I pass an area where he has set up his play animals. It is stunning. So....so....dare I say that stupid word? Normal.

He gets in bed and wants to sleep with his Giraffe! A first. It's plastic, not cuddly, but you know, he wants it to go to sleep with him. Wow.

My God, we are having a whole rash of "firsts." I'm delighted. I can't believe that earlier today, I was thinking such depressing, dire thoughts about my son's life.

What I really need to duck and cover from is my own mind.