Canadian Study of Gut-Brain Relationship

http://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2007/09/27/autism-study.html

An emotional week

I'm very glad that Jenny McCarthy and Holly Peete got to have their say on national television shows in the past week. I was especially happy to see Dr. Jerry Kartzinel on the show, a DAN! doctor who joined the practice of Dr. Julie Buckley in Jacksonville, Florida and who wrote the forward to Jenny's book (and who is about six hours away from us). He and Dr. Buckley are conducting their own research and presenting it to the Think Tank at the DAN! conferences.

I think all of the publicity is positive. But, as I said in a previous post about how hard it was to actualy read Jenny McCarthy's book because it brought up so much of my own pain and struggle with Liberty's recovery, watching a lot of television this week has knocked me out of my comfort zone. I find that, when I am trying to achieve and maintain a steady state of serenity about my son's current condition and what we are actually doing each day to try and help him, I do better when I don't talk about it constantly. I find that I have to create a balance of knowing when I really need to reach out for support and need to talk or when I need to retreat, to pull my feathers in around me and conserve my energy. I believe I heard Carolyn Myss say that you have to ask yourself where and to what you are sending you energy out to. This is one reason I did not join support groups right away. They upset me more than they comforted me.

I also do not want to be called a "warrior" mom or fierce. At least not in the sense that I am going to take a banner and go and "fight" for my son's recovery. Fighting is not what I want. That is NOT the energy I want to cultivate. I believe in the power of attraction and if I think I have to fight, then a fight I will get every time. I want to promote instead of push. I want to teach instead of lecture. I mean, really, I think your approach to anything is so important in predicting the results.

There is no doubt I experience a lot of sadness. It just is what it is. There is no doubt that the CDC angers me a lot just because it is caught up in so much obvious bullshit. I'm not here to cram the vaccine theory down anyone's throats. I experience anger, too. But, I'm not going to carry that anger on and on and wear it like a banner. I have read the Teachings of Abraham for years, and one thing I have learned from those teachings is the way I am feeling is an indicator of whether I am allowing my well-being or if I am cutting myself off from its flow. If my thoughts are making me miserable (read that NOT the autism but my thoughts ABOUT the autism), then I reach for higher thoughts until I reach a feeling of relief. When I reach a thought that brings relief, I am back to allowing my well-being to flow. And, when I am in that state of mind, everything else falls into place and I can be the mother I need to be, the wife I need to be, and the best ME I need to be. The bottom line is I have to be very careful not to allow my emotions to run away with me.

I used to belong to Al-Anon and attend weekly meetings. One of their beliefs is that the meetings are not intended to be bitch sessions where you go in and gab on about the alcoholic in your life. Rather, the purpose of the meetings are to share your experience, strength and hope. That's the approach I want to take when I talk to anyone about autism. Mostly, I talk to other mothers who just want to know what I have tried, or are relieved to know that I have experienced the same range of emotions they have. My sponsor and dear friend used to always say, "put the focus back on you" when I had wandered into a fearful place.

So I am putting the focus back on what I want and foresee for my son's recovery and leaving that fearful place of what ifs and should haves. I will still be glad to read articles people send to me, will still be happy to sign petitions and primarily be involved in recoverying our kids. I will not fight, though. There are already too many wars: The war on drugs, fighting cancer, battling diabetes. Our words have power. We need a gentler, softer approach and I think that the gentler, softer path is actually the more powerful way, and more of an attractive magnetic force for getting what we want than slashing and burning our way through the forest.

What the $%&*(@?!!

I am sure I heard a collective gasp tonight around 6:30 PM.

I was listening to ABC News when all of a sudden there was a story about the CDC, how they just completed a study that concludes that there is no link to any danger of thimerosol. WHAT? And, to add insult to injury, they then said that it was a mistake to take it out of the shots.

Are you kidding me? If you are not outraged by this, I don't know what to say. In fact, I'm practically speechless.

I will eagerly be tuning into the Rescue Post in the morning to see what J.B Handley has to say about this. There was also a tiny mention about the fact that, of the 19 symptoms studied, none were specifically typical of autism. (This makes absolutely no sense to me when the parents of autistic children have been the loudest to complain about the thimerosol). The CDC also said they are doing a "new" study to address those issues specific to autism. Finally they are going to look at autism specifically and it was just mentioned as a postscript?

The timing is interesting, isn't it? It comes on the heels of the interview of Jenny McCarthy - first on Oprah, then Good Morning America, The View, and tonight, Larry King. Also, she and her son's faces are now plastered on the cover of People.

You can read the story here. I have to go sit down.

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Germs/story?id=3655803&page=1

Mom Speak

This is a hoot - just a great laugh for today. I borrowed this from Carrie Wilson Link's site...this is for all of the mom's out there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_oc1j5NakY

I am thinking of doing my own version of the things I say to Liberty all day long; although it would not be as funny because the things I say are so repetitive as I don't ever get an answer!

(Do you want a chip? Do you want a cracker? Are you thirsty? Where's your cup? Just one bite! Please? Good boy! Good job! No sir! I said NO. Do you have to go potty? What happened to your diaper? Where's your clothes? Put that down. Get down. I said now! Give me that spatula! Don't put that in your mouth. That's not to play with! Do you hear me at all? Do you understand? Pick up your crackers. Put on table. Pick up your bacon. Liberty, Liberty Liberty, mom's calling you. Time for your bath. Where are you hiding?

The Dailies

Time to get back to the dailies. After all of the hoopla and excitement around Jenny McCarthy's debut on Oprah, I need a little calm. I've been telling everyone about her. I even had a woman come up to me in the grocery aisle (where we were discussing the new Betty Crocker Warm Delights, Thank You God for these) and she brought up Oprah. Turns out she has a grandson with autism. Then another woman came down the aisle and began discussing her nephew. Pretty soon we were discussing not only vaccines but the pollution that is rampant in these parts. Living in Florida, we are notorious for companies polluting our waterways, not to mention air, with the lovely mercury-containing smoke that comes from the coal-powered power plants. All of that talk rattled me and made me want to pack up and move immediately. I need to find a "Green City" and one that has awesome teachers and therapists. Guess I better begin that quest now.

Anyway, I also began Jenny's book last night, and you know it's well-written, but it's always hard to read another mom's story and feel her pain. I just cry and cry. It's the pain of not being heard, or your baby being sick and doctors who just don't know what to do or who are callous and unfeeling, and, well, just plain ignorant about autism. Anyway, it's good to read and I wanted to read it, but, like all stories I read about other mom's struggles with autism, it brings the early days all back and puts me in a place where I get anxious over my son's recovery.

So, I have to put myself back in a place of positivity and look at all of the good things we have done for him, the progress he has made, and put myself back in the now where everything takes place, instead of fearing the future and crying over the past and what I should have seen and done.

I'm back to reading the teacher's notes, packing my son's lunch, giving him supplements, putting him on the bus with a smile, and thanking God that, for today, he's doing well.

Only two more weeks until we have our follow-up phone appointment with Dr. Bock and get the results of all of the tests we worked so hard to get. I can't wait for that!

And, the new season starts on TV: Dancing With the Stars (yes, I love it - my guilty pleasure), and the debut of Dirty, Sexy Money with my favorite Peter Kraus from Six Feet Under. It's also autumn and time to lose myself in some good books. I need Pat Conroy to get busy and publish his new book or I might just have to get Beach Music out and read it again. Also, Sue Monk Kidd (Secret of Life of Bees). These are two of my favorite authors. I'm always looking for a good read, so if anybody has a good book they've read, please share!

It's these little things that turn out to be the big things, the things that matter: Hummingbirds chasing each other, the goldfish in our old pond, dragonflies in blue and green, spiders spinning webs, mums blooming in my garden and the leaves turning colors. Yep, even on the Gulf Coast, we have a nice fall and it is always so welcome after the intense heat and humidity of the long, hot summer. Add in some good movies, good books and great food cooking on the stove, and I am truly in heaven.

My daily gratitude list and the above are the things that help me cope with hard times and bring me great comfort.

What's yours?

Talk About Curing Autism (TACA) Site

Check out Jenny McCarthy's video blog for new parents as well as another video called "Why Taca?"

http://www.talkaboutcuringautism.org/jenny/jenny-mccarthy-video-blog.htm

I think I will be utilizing this site more frequently. I still get down every now and then about Liberty's condition, and, as Jenny says on her video, "Surround yourself with hope." I agree.

Also, check out J.B. Handley's article on Rescue Post if you haven't already. Looks like the opinion that Jenny McCarthy did the autism community a great service is pretty much unanimous!

http://www.rescuepost.com/

GO JENNY!!

I hope you tuned into Oprah today. Jenny McCarthy did a fantastic job of representing all of us parents of children with autism. I was so impressed. Thanks Jenny McCarthy and Holly Peete for speaking out and doing it well. I was so glad the vaccine issue was brought up. I thought they both handled all of the issues of autism very well. It was a relief.

Perhaps our voices are reaching that critical mass...the 100th monkey phenomenon. Maybe soon we will get some REAL research going.

In the meantime, keep on keepin' on and don't give up hope.

Advice I wish I'd had...

When my son was first evaluated for developmental delay at 20 months of age, I had no idea what to expect. All I knew is that he was developing normally, then after his one year old shots (the MMR), there were comments from the pediatricians (I went through a few) that there were things he should be doing by now: Pointing, saying X-many words, looking at people, etc. The pediatrician we were going to at the time said that if we wanted to get an evaluation to rule out any problems, she would write a referral. She said it was a simple, easy thing to do and that the evaluation would take place in our home. I said, "Okay, why wait? Let's do it."

At this point, I really did not think there was anything wrong. I did not have another child to compare mine to. All of the other kids in the family were grown; I did not have friends my age with small children. I knew my child loved television, his pacifiers, and lights and spinning toys. The fact that he went from eating every kind of food I put in front of him to eating nothing but graham crackers was dismissed by one pediatrician as a "toddler phase" he would outgrow. Four years ago, we were just beginning to see the now familiar posters about warning signs of autism. We did not have the staggering statistics told to us back then. Now, you see the posters everywhere.

At any rate, unfortunately, the evaluation did not take place in my home. Instead, we had to go to a state-run developmental education center run by the hospital where my son was paraded in front of a panel of professionals: A psychologist, neurologist, occupational therapist, speech therapist, physical therapist, and the developmental disability coordinator. They were concerned that he did not stack blocks. We said he didn't like to do that. They asked me if he lined things up. He really didn't. They asked me if I was concerned he would put something bad in his mouth. I said yes, he was only 20 months old. They were concerned that he would not pick up a crayon or look at them when they called his name. I proudly demonstrated how I could get his full, undivided attention when I sang a Wiggles song to him.

It went on for an hour. Then, it became quiet in the room when the psychologist, who was looking down at the floor, not me, slowly uttered the dreaded sentence, "There is a condition called autistic spectrum disorder...." After that I don't know what he said. Except when I asked, through tear-filled eyes, if Liberty would eventually be okay, I heard him say, "We can always hope and pray." I felt like I had been socked in the gut. Then, someone shoved Social Security Disability papers in my face. I don't know how I even got home. I was completely devastated. My husband said, "Don't worry, these people don't know him, they don't know what they are talking about."

At home, I would look at Liberty and cry. My son disabled? I would never have used that word to describe my beautiful, happy, wonderful boy. I searched my memory for what it was I did wrong. I had an incredibly healthy pregnancy, only gained 25 lbs. In the hospital, all the doctors commented on what a healthy, beautiful baby I had. What went wrong? Was it polluted water around here? I started to convince myself of different things that might have caused the condition as my mind ran the list of possibilities. I pretty much drove my self crazy. It was years before I connected the dots to his one year vaccinations. I read about the connection, but because Liberty did not have those horrible immediate and sometimes violent reactions, I dismissed the idea. Until I realized by looking at his first year baby book that the pediatrician wrote in, that he had a double ear infection afterwards - the first one the pediatrician could not get to clear up so he gave my son a mega dose of antibiotic. Omnicef, I think it was.

Back then, it took me a long time to be able to make it through a day without crying. There were days I spent on the Internet scouring for information. We'd go to the park to play just so I could get some air and pretend all was normal. Then I began to look forward to the troupe of therapists that were sent to my house. Until Liberty was three years old, we received free therapy. Seeing the therapists was comforting to me. I could pick their brains about what they knew. They were compassionate and they gave me "homework" to do with Lib. I started to learn to become his therapist as well as his mother.

Here's the thing parents of newly diagnosed children are desperate to know - just like I was: What will this look like when my child is older? What does it mean for his future? And there is NO answer for that. This is the most frustrating thing in the world. No one can tell you what caused it, and no one can tell you if, when or how your child will progress.

I had a re-experiencing of the whole evaluation episode with my son this summer, when I met a mom in a waiting room where we were both taking our kids for occupational and speech therapy. She had overheard a conversation I was having with the intake coordinator from that evaluation long ago who I had happened to run into in the therapy office. This mom could have been me four years ago. She began to tell me what her son was doing or rather NOT doing. She said her husband is in denial but she knows there is something wrong. She said she thinks that her husband might be finally coming around but he just can't accept it. You could see the stress all over her face. I had seen her son earlier and knew he had a diagnosis of autism because my son did the same things at his age: Made the same noises, did the same hand flapping, was not looking, etc. In fact, it was striking to me because her son was the same age Lib was at his diagnosis. My son just turned 5 this summer. I could see how much progress Liberty has made since then.

My heart just broke for this woman. We discussed different things we had done for Liberty including therapeutic listening and diet changes. There was a lot more I wanted to say to her but she left before I could talk to her.

I wanted to say, "Listen, the evaluation will be hard when it's your precious child under the microscope. The evaluators are going to talk in clinical talk. It will feel very cold to you. Try to brace yourself for that and keep your chin up. You are going to go through the grieving process. You will be in denial. You will be angry at everyone including God. You will even bargain,and eventually get to some version of acceptance one day, but not anytime soon. Let yourself go through your emotions, but don't give up HOPE. Talk only to supportive people. Your circle of friends might change. It is important to keep your thoughts on the positive and not the negative. This will take work and you will need help! But your son's progress will be affected by what you think of him, your vision of his future, by what you think he is capable of. BE HIS ADVOCATE. If you don't think a teacher or therapist is really on your team, get another one! Be proactive and NEVER GIVE UP.

The most important thing I wanted to say to her was, "Don't LIVE under the diagnosis. USE it to help get your son the treatments that he needs, to get insurance coverage, but do not allow it to be a limiting factor in his life.

So many people wear a diagnosis like a wound. When you do that, you keep opening it over and over again and a wound will never heal like that. I think a diagnosis should be like a reference point, somewhere to start, but to constantly live in the shadow of it is to live your life under a curse instead of a blessing.

What does this mean, that I shouldn't call my son autistic? Of course, I will use that word in certain settings when necessary, like with school officials and insurance companies. But, the more I learn about autistic spectrum disorders, the more I see my son as chronically ill. I am not quick to dismiss every quirky thing he does as autistic anymore and I certainly don't go around apologizing for him in front of others saying, "He's autistic, you know, sorry...." I went through that phase for awhile, too. I choose my words carefully, and not just in regard to him. Your words eventually create how you experience your life. I think you really start to understand this when you live within a highly stressful situation.

Liberty is who he is and he is still in the process of becoming..as we all are. And I love my child fiercely. Love is probably the best guidance of all.

I have said this before: I am sticking with the folks who are learning what works and then spreading the word, and that is mainly the Generation Rescue people, the DAN! doctors. It is sickening to read that the CDC receives 8 billion dollars for research but they can't get a study together to research vaccine injury; meanwhile Generation Rescue spent $200,000 for a small preliminary study that overwhelmingly points to vaccinations as a culprit. (If you missed this article on Rescue Post, here is the link to the survey done by Generation Rescue http://www.generationrescue.org/survey.html).

I went to a DAN! doctor presentation this past Spring. She said that in 10 years, autism will be known primarily as a disease of inflammation. I hope within 10 years, the DAN! protocol will become mainstream. I can always dream.

For now, I just tell other parents to try everything they can and to always trust your gut. And, once you have gained some footing in this journey with your children, extend your hand and try and help the next parent of a newly diagnosed child to get a leg up, too.

The long and winding road of lab tests

Liberty got his very last blood test Friday. This one was for food allergies. I felt a great weight had been lifted from my already sore shoulders. He did very well, and let me say, thank you God for good phlebotomists. We found a lab with a wonderful guy who is very confident and just very, very good. I got his phone number so I can tell his supervisor to give him a raise! I have been calling before we go for tests to make sure that Eric is there. People can make such a difference.

I have two more stool samples to collect, and then the last lab kit will be sent off in the mail and then we are REALLY done, done done. Today, it is two months to the day that we saw the good doctor in NY.

Our first follow-up phone appointment with Dr. Bock is October 8. I am waiting with bated breath. Finally, we will have a snapshot of where this child stands as far as what's going on with his little body. I feel as though I have been stumbling around in the dark for so long, it will be a relief to get some answers.

And, this Wednesday, we have an appointment with a local homeopath. I only give Liberty homepathic medicines anymore when he is sick. So far, we have not needed antibiotics, which is a first, but there might be a point where he will. But, for cold symptoms and especially allergy symptoms, I have a few things I have gotten from the homeopath that really work well for Liberty. I'm hoping the homeopath will be able to tell me if Liberty's chapped lips are a withdrawal symptom, or a symptom of yeast or another food allergy. He's had them ever since we started on the gf/cf diet. Dr. Bock suspects yeast but wanted to test for it. Lib also still has some cradle cap and that, apparently, is an indicator for systemic yeast. I will ask Dr. Bock, as well, but I want to have the homepath at least examine Lib. Apparently, he treats a group of autistic children in the area. He is also an herablist and nutritionist. I am building a team for Liberty and a good DAN! doctor as well as a good homepath are part of it.

I must say that it seems Liberty gets better with each MB12 shot we give him. We are continuing the therapeutic listening, as well. He is pointing (which he never did), making choices between picture cards, and being very helpful, putting things back where they belong, and just generally more engaged and "present" than before.

So, we continue to progress...

Don't forget: Tomorrow is Jenny McCarthy's appearance on Oprah discussing her new book, Louder Than Words, about her journey with her autistic son. Should be interesting.

More Toxic Stuff to be Aware of...

Because I understand the principles of the Law of Attraction, I don't want to be a person who is constantly reminding parents how awful things are. In fact, I want to look for the good and make a conscious effort to do that every day. I am, however, going to bring things to your attention as I run across them, so that you can make better decisions for your children.

I have a personal belief that with all of the epidemics in the news (autism, asthma, adhd, allergies, bipolar, etc.) our children's problems are a reflection of the toxic state of our world, and are apparently going to be the catalysts to finally clean up our environment. They better be - if not our kids, what?

I try to stay with natural products, but sometimes I run out. I happened to have some Huggies Shea Butter liquid soap that I used to use long ago on Liberty when he had cradle cap. I was trying to find out if there was gluten in it (yes, you must check ALL of your products for gluten and casein) and instead I found it has a cancer-causing chemical in it.

Here is the blog I ran across and the information on 1,4 dioxane. I thought I would list it so you might want to check your labels.

http://mom4life.typepad.com/mom_4_life/2007/08/baby-shampoo-ba.html

and

http://www.safecosmetics.org/newsroom/press.cfm?pressReleaseID=21

It's just a reminder to me that I have to be vigilant about products I use and to do my part by cleaning up my personal environment at home.

9/11

Wonderful writing from Rob on such a sad day.

http://www.schuylersmonsterblog.com/

Radio Interview with Dr. Bock

Here is a link to a radio show interview on September 6 with Kenneth Bock. He discusses environmental factors and autism. It's very good. Thanks, Cristine!

http://wor710.com/topic/play_window.php?audioType=Episode&audioId=986993

Nice!

I was nominated for a blogger nice award!

This award is for those bloggers who are nice people; good blog friends and those who inspire good feelings and inspiration. Also for those who are a positive influence on our blogging world. Once you’ve been awarded please pass it on to 7 others who you feel are deserving of this award...

Thanks Drama Mama! I feel welcomed to the neighborhood. I am so amazed at how a whole community is created via the internet. Last Spring, I discovered other mom's blogs when I was looking for information. I got that, but I also became connected as well with a vast network of support. I am so grateful. I didn't think I could make a blog that would hold a candle to all you guys. I am SO impressed by the blogs I have read and visit frequently. I, too, check in and have coffee with all of you in the morning! I'm having fun and it feels good to get something on the page. Thanks for visiting my blog.

I am supposed to nominate seven more nice bloggers though some that I know have been nominated already, so here are 7 more of my favorites.

Schuyler's Monster http://www.schuylersmonsterblog.com/

Fully Caffeinated http://fully-caffeinated.blogspot.com/

life with three boys with asd (http://micheleiallonardi.blogspot.com/)

Roughly Speaking http://www.jennyrough.com/talk/index.html

Full-Soul-Ahead http://michelleoneilwrites.blogspot.com/

Write for Change http://writeforchange.blogspot.com/ - my wonderful and talented sister!

Maternal Instincts http://maternal-instincts.blogspot.com/

Our Horse Friends

I got this information from a yahoo group I belong to in our area. There is a horse farm here that provides hippotherapy that I am going to look into. I know that some ESE classrooms have taken field trips here and have some great success.

http://www.americanhippotherapyassociation.org/ and

http://www.vetmed.ucdavis.edu/CCAB/EATprograms.htm

On this site is information about Hippotherapy...you can also find a therapist in your state by clicking on Hippotherapy. The information below is an article copied from my yahoo group.

Why the Horse? The horse's walk provides sensory input through movement, which is variable, rhythmic, and repetitive. The resultant movement responses in the patient are similar to human movement patterns of the pelvis while walking. The variability of the horse's gait enables the therapist to grade the degree of sensory input to the patient, and then utilize this movement in combination with other treatment strategies to achieve desired results.

Patients respond enthusiastically to this enjoyable experience in a natural setting. Impairments that may be modified with hippotherapy are:

Abnormal tone

Impaired balance responses

Impaired coordination

Impaired communication

Impaired sensorimotor function

Postural asymmetry

Poor postural control

Decreased mobility

Limbic system function related to arousal, motivation, and attention

Functional limitations relating to the following general areas may be improved with hippotherapy:

Gross motor skills such as sitting, standing, walking

Speech and language abilities

Behavioral and cognitive abilities

Medical Conditions

The primary medical conditions, which may manifest some or all of the above problems and may be indications for hippotherapy, are listed below. However, hippotherapy is not for every patient. Specially trained health professionals must evaluate each potential patient on an individual basis.

Cerebral Palsy

Cerebral Vascular Accident (stroke)

Developmental Delay

Down Syndrome

Functional Spinal Curvature

Learning or language disabilities

Multiple Sclerosis

Sensory Integrative Dysfunction

Traumatic Brain Injury

Jenny McCarthy New Spokeswoman for TACA

Did any of you know that Jenny McCarthy had a son with autism and that she is the new spokeswoman for TACA (http://www.tacanow.org/index.htm)? Here is her blog below. Interesting to note that she believes her son to be a Crystal child. She was brave to state such. Call me nuts, I even explored the possibility. Why not? I keep my mind open. It really doesn't matter anyway. It doesn't change what I am doing to help him. It's another theory. I read Children of the Now myself. Hmmm.

Anyway, below is her blog. I look forward to seeing her on Oprah. I always thought we needed a follow-up show to the one Oprah did with Katy Wright and other parents. This should be interesting. Wonder if she will bring up the crystal/indigo thing? I just hope she will be a good representative.

http://www.celebrity-babies.com/2007/04/jenny_mccarthy.html

A great site, a great family...

For those of you who are interested in memoir and are not familiar with this family's journey with a gorgeous daughter with a serious disease, you might want to check out Schuyler's Monster. I've been following them for awhile now. The book comes out in February. Rob is a wonderful writer.

http://www.schuylersmonsterblog.com/

Slow but Steady Progress

Well, we finally got all of Liberty's blood tests completed (oh - except for ONE which is not considered a priority and requires a LOT of blood). There were four tests that were considered of extreme importance and could not be done all at once lest we drain the child of all of his blood. No one likes to put their child through the trauma of being held down to have blood taken. Our child who used to do so well at the doctor's office has been traumatized so much in the last month that he is afraid to even stand on a doctor's scale, looking behind him to see if someone is going to wrestle him down. I suppose in time, he will get over it. And, they had to be done if we are going to finally get a clear picture of where this child stands metabollically and tailor biomedical treatments to his needs.

So, it was awfully stressful, but it's finally done and over with. I thank my father again for providing the money needed up front to get some of these tests because, as I have stated before, some of the kits require a check and have to be FedEx-ed. I really hated having to handle all of the blood and urine myself, but we did. And, any receipts we get back of course will be filed with insurance immediately. Our insurance is paying for the MB12 shots at 80/20. They, however, did not pay much for Dr. Bock's fees, which I figured they would not. He was not a doctor on the list.

In the meantime, we are seeing some great results so far with the MB12 shots and I have just started the supplements the doctor gave us, beginning with zinc liquid at night and cod liver oil. The teachers report to me what he does each day in kindergarten and the reports are basically glowing! We had Lib on other supplements from another doctor last year, but we are kind of starting afresh with this doctor and doing things his way. Last year, we were given a list of supplements to try and we began them all at once. Dr. Bock's office said that this is not the way it is done, that we need to give one for at least three days, note any side-effects, then proceed to give the next. Wish I had had this information last year, huh? What I am most eager to find out is his levels of METALS.

So, now I have to prepare what I call Liberty's Daily Record for all of the supplements so I can list out any positive or negative reactions. This is a lot of work to keep up with, but it is so important that I do. I feel like Super Sleuth, trying to get to the bottom of this puzzling mystery. The doctor can do his part by looking at his labs and advising me of what action to take based on his experience. But, it is also crucial that I keep good records and observe Lib closely so I can give accurate reports to the doctor. Even little things I think are insignificant could offer a clue to what's going on with the child.

Last night, he was up laughing at 1:00 AM. He could not get back to sleep until around 4:00. I did give him some Zen (if you are not familiar with this, this is GOLD) and he went back to sleep. He bounded out of bed at 8:00 raring to go to school, while I drug myself to the car with my coffee. And everyone asks what that episode was all about? And, as usual, I say, "I have no earthly idea." When you are watched under a microscope, everything seems to require an answer. Now, I KNOW that there are neurotypical children who sometimes wake up at night, or who do odd things which their parents don't understand.

Ah well, just another day in the life. But, hey, we ARE making progress and that's all that matters.

A New Leaf

I came down with a 24-hour stomach flu. It lasted exactly 24 hours from 6 AM Wednesday morning until 6 AM this morning. Whenever this happens, I am reminded of how much falls apart when I am not up to par. My husband works hard, but he is out there slogging in the fields in two jobs (we're both self-employed). He works about 30 minutes or so away, not bad, and he would come home if I really needed him too. Still. I have taken care of the child for 24/7 now and I know the ins and outs of the day. I also know where everything is and how to work the various remote controls. Trust me, this is sacred knowledge in our house. I know how all of the machinery around the house works and am apparently responsible for their upkeep. My husband is a very smart man; he, is, however, electronically challenged. I also have acquired a new responsibility of "catching" the washing machine when it gets off balance which is each and every day without fail because it is needs to be repaired and has been since, say, last Fall.

Like so many other moms, I keep the homefires burning and the ship running smoothly. Usually. Luckily, I got over my sickness within a day. I feel so helpless though when there is so much to be done and all I want to do is sleep.

Anyway, thank God for stamina and good genes. I got right back into my routine today, even though the whole time I was sick I was vowing to change my life: eat better, slow down, nap more, put myself on a schedule, stop eating cookie dough ice cream, etc. I need to turn over a new leaf. I was in mid-trot today through the house (much like Edith Bunker's) when I realized that I am not seeing this as an opportunity to change. I don't want the same routine, because the same routine almost killed me this summer.

So, I vow to find a new yoga teacher (mine left town for greener pastures), get my back straightened out again with chiropractic care and massages, and make a schedule for myself where I actually get 10 minutes to do FUN things like play my guitar, write in a journal, read a chapter out of a book, etc. I have decided to buy a new pair of tap shoes and go to an adult tap class no matter how much I fear falling off my shoes. I need to get back into the game of life. My Life. My life has been mixed with Liberty's for so long, I didn't notice it disappearing.

I know with some creativity on my part, I can come up with some kind of structure where I can fit in some personal time. I've been too tired to think about it, though, lately. School has started and here I have from 7:30 AM until 2:15 PM without the child. I should be doing all kinds of things, but instead I feel like I'm moving through quicksand and I lose my memory a lot and tend to stare for long periods of time out the window.

Honestly, though, if I tune into my Higher Self, I know things will fall into place eventually. I know it takes time to get into a new routine and I am probably just exhausted from the aftermath of the summer and need time to recover. I think its kind of like a potter's wheel. The wheel spins round and round even when the potter's foot is off the pedal and it has to wind down until it eventually stops. This thought makes me happy. Perhaps it's not old age or menopausal symptoms after all! (Okay, maybe I'm going a bit too far). Perhaps its not the aging process seeming to be rapidly accelerating or the be-donk-a-donk butt that is manifesting. No: It's just sheer mental and physical exhaustion. I'm just plain ol' tired and need to allow myself to just BE for awhile. For once, I'm going to allow myself to just BE for as long as I need to without guilt and without the need to plan anything. Ahhh, it feels so good already.

Time Out O' Mind

Years ago, somewhere around the early 1990s, I lived on a 500 acre farm in rural Virginia in a very old farmhouse with no running water and an outhouse. Though I was there for a short two months, it was one of those experiences that I treasure. A friend of mine's family owned these 500 acres and the farmhouse was the old family home. It was set back about 2 miles from the main road. There were wild turkey that roamed the woods and we had quite a collection of feathers as they left their gorgeous calling cards on branches. There was an old corn crib and quail in the fields. I was in between jobs and at a crossroads in my life; and I had some interesting friends who were also kind of in between varying stage of their lives. So, our mutual friend offered the house as a kind of time out - no rent, catch your breath, dream, figure out what to do next -kind of time. It is one of my most treasured memories.

Remember Walden Pond when Thoreau described sitting in a doorway all day and listening to the sounds of nature? The only distraction was the sound of a passing wagon. Virginia and that 500 acre farm in Arc was that kind of time out o' mind for me.

There were three of us who lived out at the house and friends would come to help paint, bring water, or just visit on the weekends. We dug a fire pit and we would have a bonfire each night. We sat on tree trunks that had been arranged around the pit in a circle. One of my friends was a fabulous cook and she managed to make us great meals in the old kitchen. Another one was a professional clown (among other talents) and even one of his friends was Patch Adams!

What I remember the most about that time is the incredible inky blackness of the night, the milky way that seemed to go on forever, and the starlight that was so bright you barely needed a flashlight. One night I became disoriented because the ground was also bejeweled and blinking on and off, just like the sky. We discovered it was due to glow worms which are the larvae of fireflies!

The campfire became a way of life at night. A way to drain all of the cares of of the day and share our experiences. The fire was transforming. We began to tell stories. Then, quiet would eventually ensue as we were tapped out and took our sleepy selves off to our beds.

I return to these memories often. In this fast moving technoworld, I long for the nightly campfire and friendly campfire talk. It seems so natural to gather at the end of the day, and it seems also natural to want to stare into a fire. And, with the stress of my child's diagnosis and the added responsibilities, I think, wouldn't it be nice to have this kind of ritual to look forward to instead of just collapsing in a heap after he is finally put to bed? Even Liberty is calmed by the nighttime air and staring into a fire. I think it is something that is just in our blood, going way back to our ancestors. Perhaps this is why fire bowls are so popular now.

Hey...hmmm....maybe I'll get a fire bowl for the backyard this autum. Won't be quite the same as being way out in the woods, but it's a start. Creating even tiny islands of peace each day makes a big difference.

Comic Relief

Whenever I need a really good belly laugh, I can always count on Lucy. Cheap stress reliever. Seen every episode; doesn't matter. I still laugh out loud with her.