Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I have been gently reminded again, that I have been so focused on Liberty and his well-being, that I often forget about my own.

Well, six years is a long time to let self-care lapse.

I had a strange day yesterday. I awoke feeling pretty good. We have gotten a nice change in the weather here and so I walked one and a half miles yesterday morning. I did some yoga. I meditated. It was lovely. I felt great for the first time in a very long while. Then, the day got strange. I began to feel anxious. I became emotional. I cried while watching Avalon on HBO and folding laundry. I cried over other people's blogs. I kept thinking, "What happened to me?"

Then my loving sister told me that, when we have been under a strain like I have for so long and we see a little bit of blue sky, when the load lifts a little bit, we begin to unleash the frustrations and feelings from it all. She said it's a process that could last awhile. That made sense to me.

Yes, it's really been an ordeal. Is it over? By no means. But, I AM getting some relief now. Liberty is much better, he's on a good road. He is making gains each day. He is happy. He is very healthy in most regards. He is in school, so I am getting a bit of a break, even though I do work at home and stay busy just keeping up with our life but I don't have him 24/7 each day.

He has changed since I last posted only three days ago. I started giving him a natural supplement his doctor recommended to see if some of the stimming behavior goes down. It is beginning to work wonders. He is calmer. He went to sleep at 8 PM last night finally. He slept all the way through the night. His eye contact is improved. He is pretend playing with his little people and horses, etc.

I still have my head full of Liberty -

What to feed him?- he has fallen into an eating pattern that does not include the variety of food he started eating last year and that has created the problems he is experiencing of constipation. He is picky about textures. It makes it hard to come up with new food items for him. This is always running in the back of my brain. Not to mention finding the time to try recipes that wonderful people have sent me.

He needs to learn more signs because suddenly he is using the sign for "pretzel" for everything. He needs more words so he can express himself. What I can do at home to support what they are doing in school, getting someone in my house - all on my mind.

And, we have eventual appointments for occupational and speech therapy, developmental eye doctor, possible ABA therapist, a new pediatrician/DAN doctor in our town, an herbalist, the teacher, etc. So my plate is still full. Very full.

Add in financial strain and lack of sleep and good nutrition and I guess you have a recipe for disaster! Perhaps I can see it as amazing at all that I have made it this far and this intact. This journey has been recorded in my body, my face. I've aged.

But, my sister is right, there is a little more hope, a little more of the door open for me to take care of myself.

I have to get a root canal next week. I've put it off for three months by doing pranic healing on myself while I try to come up with the money. It's just something that has to be done since I did not take care of my teeth like I should have when Lib came along.

So, I guess I need to allow my self to let the tears fall when they come and realize that I am also undergoing a process of recovery myself. I just want to feel like "me" again. And, even that doesn't happen overnight. It feels like it's a letting go a little at a time of all of the "stuff" I've accumulated since Lib's diagnosis.

And, speaking of stuff, since I have done a lot of clearing out around the house, getting rid of the old and outdated, the no longer needed and re-organizing things, I think that perhaps this has started a process of change within me, as well. In fact, I'm sure of it. This makes me rather happy.

I am ready for something new...a new vibration, a new tune to dance to. Fresh energy, fresh thoughts.

Who knows what will happen when I clean out my car?