Signs

Thursday marked exactly one month since my sister passed away. To say that it seems unreal is an understatement. And, as so often is the pattern of grieving, we cannot remember where we put things, simple tasks take twice as long to do as before. We often make no sense when we speak. We find we are fuzzy-brained. The members of my family seek out ways to laugh when we can and find comfort in each other's presence. Personally, I am watching Everybody Loves Raymond the way I used to watch I Love Lucy. I cannot miss an episode. We swim in the pool a lot. Have lunch together. Cook. Read. I am probably doing a jigsaw puzzle a week, a place to rest my mind.

At about the 2-week mark of my sister's passing, my sister Susan and I received a rash of signs from her.

One morning, I got into my car to go to the library. I had cleaned out a dresser drawer about a week before this and found some cassette tapes. I thought they were some old music cassettes and my car actually has a cassette player underneath the CD, so when I found the tapes, I just put them in my purse, so I would not forget to check them out in the player in the car. So, I was digging for my keys and saw the tapes. I put the first one in as I was traveling down the road and sure enough it was an old music tape I had taped over with some other nonsense for some reason. It was basically trash. I pulled the next one out and did not hear anything. I was about to eject it when I heard a beep. Then, I heard someone saying something, - they were leaving a message. Turns out it was a tape from my ancient answering machine back when I actually had one with a removable cassette tape! I loved that thing but it go so old, I had to finally succumb to voicemail.

There were some bill collectors on there, my husband, my father, and lots of long pauses, and then...I heard it. My sister Beverly's voice. She said, "Hey Kath, it's Bev! I did find Liberty's picture at my house after all it wasn't at Dad's. Okay, sweetie, talk to you later!" I just about had a wreck. Keep in mind I had not heard her voice since she had the breathing tube and tracheotomy.

I crept the rest of the way to the library in my car. My sister and I loved to read and exchanged books all of the time. She turned me on to some great authors and got me back into reading at a time when I really needed the distraction with all of Liberty's issues going on. It was and still is a way to de-stress. So, through my tears, I told her hello and wondered if she was really back to give us some signs, and of course, asked her to give me more signs, to let me know it was really her and not just in my "head."

Now I have to stop here in the middle of the story to tell you that the previous day my other sister Susan and I were sitting around the pool and a very large black bird was walking around staring at us. I remarked that there had also been one at my house, very shiny, not a crow, and my father said it was a raven. My sister made the comment that ravens are said to house the souls of people who have passed on.

Now back to the story: I walked into the library, beginning to browse at "A" like I always do and I look down and my eyes fall on a book. The author is "Jo Beverly" and the title is "St. Raven." Chills ran up and down my arms.

I walked down the aisles kind of amazed and dazed and remembered to check out an aisle for yoga books before I left and there was a book sticking out about to fall off the shelf. It was a book by Eckert Tolle. My sister loved him.

That same day, my sister Susan got a letter in the mail from a woman who is in charge of Beverly's memorial scholarship fund we set up at the university. I don't want to print her full name but suffice it to say her last name was ... you guessed it, "Beverly."

If that wasn't enough, the next day, I turned on the TV to a Christian station, one I never have the channel set to, and find a program is just beginning and the name flashes across the screen: "Beverly Exercise" and I hear the announcer say, "...with your host, Beverly!"

Good God, this was really exciting and eerie at the same time. I yelled, "Hi Bev!" I was not completely surprised though. My mother did the same kind of thing, too, about 2 weeks after she passed away, giving me all sorts of unmistakable and amazing signs all in one day. I drew so much comfort from those and still do.

Later, my sister and I compared notes. Apparently she had felt her presence and received the same type of message I did and that was pretty much that not only was it great not to have a body, but that it was a relief to not have the body worry our society has, constantly putting the focus on our looks. She gave us a few more personal messages and, since that day, I have not felt her anymore.

We miss her.