The Truth

When a child is screaming and has no speech to tell you what's wrong, it wears a person out. In fact, it's hard to always be the comforting, compassionate, grown-up in a situation like this. Do it for, oh ,say about five years. See what you look and feel like.

Parents come to me for help because they think I know something. I have a blog. I make good gf/cf graham crackers their children like. I have one of the best DAN! doctors in the world now. We've been down many roads. I have tons of URLs to send out. Most of the time, I appear to keep a positive attitude.

Someone made a remark that I was somehow an expert on autism. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I don't want that crown.

Hey people, I'm out here in the trenches with you. My son is better in many ways, but he is not recovered. I'm hoping for that. I'm working toward that always. But I have my hard times, my moments of doubt, my anger at God and the world and vaccines and...just all of it. The why, why, why that never will be answered. Sure, I know better. But when you're tired, you just feel like throwing in the towel. That's where the, "Surely, I didn't sign up for this" whine comes from.

You know, depriving a person of uninterrupted sleep is part of torture. Then, making them stay up all day and keep moving, always working, cleaning, preparing food, cleaning up food, changing diapers (how many years now?), etc. How can you expect to be okay?

I think I saw at the last DAN! conference a course for parents in how to take care of yourself. If I can just get my son back into school, I can go use the massage gift certificate I got for Christmas. I need a few of those per month. Fifty pounds and he still hangs on my neck and wants me to hold him. My body is sore.

I started taking some of the good supplements that Lib's doctor prescribed for him. I've got to get a grip on my health. I have an appointment in February to get the hormones checked and balanced. The thyroid and adrenal glands are just about shot out. I saw my homeopath last year who told me to get in balance before I slide into good old menopause.

I spend a great deal of time caring for my son, but also trying to manage all of these dark emotions. Dealing with a child with autism permeates every level of your life, marriage not withstanding.

You have to find ways to deal with it, manage it. I need a break. I don't have the money to pay anyone, though. I recall that I used to use exercise as a way to feel better and maintain my sanity. I stopped that this summer when the whole DAN! protocol got put into place. I was too tired to put on my shoes and walk. I think I will bundle Liberty up today and just get out and get some good endorphins going.

A blogger friend of mine wrote today about feeling hypocritical, posting about the positive and sometimes living the negative.

It's not hypocritical. We have our good moments and our bad ones. They can't be helped. Some days we are going to allow our well-being in, and other days will be far from it. We need to be able to reach out to people who understand. I've met many moms through this blog who have helped me, albeit across the miles, just to feel a little more connected, like I'm not in this alone. We post about what helps, we vent about our frustrations.

We hope that something positive will eventually come out of this hard situation in which we are living today.

Yes, my friend, in the end, gratitude for what we do have, for what IS going well in our lives, will eventually right our overturned boat and put us back in that stream. Sometimes we just have to wait until the dark shadow passes to get there. Sometimes we need our friends to keep it in perspective.