So, I have this dream, that I am watching waves breaking on the ocean and when each wave crests, I see the opaque outline of a great white shark. I am on the shore, not in the water. But I see it. I know that it is there. With each wave that breaks. The water is this translucent pale blue green. It's a sunny day. Crystal clear. And the shark is there.
Okay, so maybe I've watched Jaws too many times, but I know what this represents to me on a gut soul level.
Emotionally, I have really been pulled through a knothole.
My father had to be moved from the nursing home/rehab center we first put him in because of the negligent lack of care. It was very depressing. I watched my father's spirit sag there and it scared me to death. Thank God we were able to remove him and find another place which really has been a lifesaver. He likes it there. He has a roommate who also flew during WWII who is pleasant and helpful. He has hope now that he can and will get better. He is in physical therapy twice a day, building strength. He is learning to walk with a walker. They are aiming for retraining him to live by himself at home and be safe. But, he has other problems to contend with, that of his feet and legs swelling all of the time. On the one hand he needs to get up and walk, and on the other hand, he has to have his feet elevated all of the time. And there are just other issues that go with growing older. The chemistry has to be constantly tested and balanced. I wish it were as easy as walking right out of there and back to his old routine.
I've been either at the hospital or rehab center since the end of January and Dad's always on my mind. He said to me today, "Oh, to get up in the morning and go start my coffee, how I miss that simple act." It will be three weeks on Sunday since he has been home.
Then my precious older sister whom I adore had to take a job in another state. She has been packing all week, and as of today, everything is in storage, her car is packed to the hilt, and she is staying with my other sister here, so she can take off bright and early Saturday morning. It will be very hard for me to drive by her empty apartment. I am not looking forward to saying good-bye again.
Too hard. How I will miss her.
Then, there's my sweet boy. Always, the questions in my mind, making mental note of this and that to ask the doctor, staying on top of his supplement schedule, his special food that has to be shopped for and prepared. You know I can keep the ball rolling, I've gotten good at juggling. But I'm really tired and it isn't resolved with one good night's sleep.
I think I am just emotionally spent.
Lib is not communicating well, either. It's like he forgot all of his signs. My fears are cropping up like weeds. It's so important for me to keep my thoughts in check. A couple of negative thoughts and it starts the ball rolling to mushroom into a such a depressed state I can hardly do anything. And usually, at it's root is the fact that I'm very tired.
The other day when I walked around the neighborhood? I yawned the whole way. I think that's a sign.
And when I'm tired I am vulnerable to all of my fears. You know, the "what if's?" And, then I even have some flashbacks of my father when he came out of surgery, and he was in pain. I've never seen him in that kind of pain before in my life, like they just brought him in from the battlefield.
Emotionally vulnerable. To all kinds of fears. Got it.
It's no wonder my Great White shows up, the warning symbol from my wonderful guidance system: "Be alert. Don't open the gate and let the hogs run wild through your carefully cultivated garden!"
Extreme self care, somehow I have to get there. And, I guess it has to start with sleep and doing less for awhile. And appreciating more.
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