What A Difference A Day Makes - Okay Make That Two Years

Yesterday, was a banner day for us. I had no idea what a gift the day would bring.

I prepared to go back to the same neurologist to make sure that my son was not having absence seizures. Two years ago, we went to a neurologist here and had an EEG done, only to be told by that neurologist that he did not know what it meant. There was an abnormal spike wave in the occipital lobe. I have documentation that says he did not know what to make of it. It left me feeling very odd; that the supposed "best" neurologist in town did not know how to read the EEG; I only knew that he found out we had seen a doctor in Arizona who had started Liberty on supplements and that I said we were seeing good results. As I recall, the supplements were things like Cod Liver Oil and Super Nu Thera vitamins. We had not done anything that would be considered back then "way out" like, God forbid, chelation. Basically, the neurologist was very nasty to me, saying he did not believe in any of that diet "crap." He said Lib could have a seizure, convulse and even die. He wrote a Rx for Diastat suppositories and told me that if he seizes to "ram it up his butt." I was dismissed. I felt abused. It was a terrible experience. I remember sobbing at home.

So, fast forward two years. I happen to have a friend whose child was diagnosed by a neurologist here in town, with whose name I was unfamiliar. She told me that he is apparently associated with the same office where we went two years ago. She told me to check him out as he is "open" to biomed treatments. I was skeptical but I got a referral and finally an appointment but not for a couple of months.

The other day, something told me to call their office and their was a sudden cancellation. We could get in the next morning! (insert twilight zone music here)

I went to the same crowded waiting room, had to fill out the same mountains of paperwork, depressed that Liberty would not sit while I balanced the clipboard on my knee. He kept touching everyone and making his noises and I thought, "Oh, it's bad. They are really going to tell me how bad it is now."

Finally back in the examination room, the door opens and in walks this 50s-ish, bronze-skinned man (from Brazil I later learned) in impeccable blue jeans and tennis shoes. He has salt and pepper hair and a well-trimmed beard and such kind eyes. He takes my hand in both of his and gives me a very sweet smile and thanks me for coming.

He motions for me to sit and he goes right over to Liberty and establishes rapport by playing with him and rough-housing, taking Lib's shoes off and stuffing them under his shirt, peeling his socks off and throwing them over his shoulder, etc. Liberty stops stimming and looks right at him. They high five. I am sitting in the corner quietly observing.

This man's presence fills the room. It is calming. I am safe.

He focuses his deep ocean blue eyes on me and the first words out of his mouth are, "You are the expert." I say, "Pardon..." He says, "Raising a child is like creating a work of art - or baking a cake, some we need to leave in the oven a little longer..." He goes on talking like this. I'm loving it! He says, "I want you to continue to do all that you are doing, because you know best, and you are doing GREAT. YOU are doing GREAT." He even talks about LOVE and SOUL. How I wish I had a verbatim text to recreate this awesome conversation. He even tells me that Liberty, like all children, is teaching us.

But, I'm almost fainting at this point when he says, "I am here for you and will be always. Anything you need, anything you think you might want to try, I'll do it. Any papers you need signed, anything at all, you can call on me. I am part of your support system."

I am rendered speechless.

Then he puts his clear glasses on and says, "I know why you are here." Now, I had not written out anything about my return visit only to say that I need to rule out seizures. He says he pulled up the records and the report of the EEG from last year. He holds it up in front of me and he says, "Spikes in the occipital lobe - are you kidding me? These are SO COMMON in all children. This means NOTHING. It is NOTHING." He tells me that with absence seizures, I would be seeing a lot of staring spells and goes on to describe things that clearly I have not seen.

I begin to cry, it's such a relief. He says he knows what I am going through and have been through and gives me a hug.

So we go on to talk about why Lib is not talking. He gets the chart of the brain out. I ready myself for a science lesson. Instead, he says, "Speech is in the left brain, so what do we do? We stimulate the right brain!" I innocently say, "We do? How?" He says, "MUSIC! DANCING! SINGING...SING IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE, EVEN BETTER."

I told him that we were doing therapeutic listening with an OT. I told him about the Finding Nemo marathon Lib has been on and Liberty's sudden lurch forward in progress with scissors and pointing and saying "okay." He told me that kids do that, they plateau for awhile then they spike with new behavior.

I told him about the upcoming camp we have gotten Lib into. Turns out he is one of the people teaching the teachers for the kids autism camp at the university here! Is this not uncanny?

I float home. So many pounds have been lifted from my shoulders. I have to process this all day and night.

Wait - it gets better!

I looked him up on the internet and found he is a published author. There are two books on Amazon he has written!

Things are changing all around us folks. I have great HOPE.

OH...and he thanks ME for coming. He said, "No, thank you, I am honored."

World Mercury Project

A great website; thank God for people like these. I am so interested in Eric's story, I can't wait for the documentary.

Howard Hughes Medical Institute

For what it's worth, I thought this might be of interest to some of us.

I saw a piece on the Howard Hughes Medical Institute for biomedical research located in Chevy Chase, Maryland on 60 Minutes. Apparently, Howard Hughes created the institute as a tax shelter when the air force threatened to pull all of their contracts with his company. Unbeknownst to him, it wound up becoming a premiere lab for biomedical research, as their are billions of dollars available for the scientists to conduct research without having to apply for grants and fill out mountains of paper work that can impede progress.

Of course, I immediately wondered if there is research being done on autism. It was not mentioned in the story, so I went to their site and typed "autism" under their search engine and 87 matches returned!

I don't know about you, but this is reassuring to me. I have been upset that the government has not launched and funded massive amounts of research into various aspects of autism, including vaccines.

The story did mention quite a lot of work being done with stem cells at the institute.

I believe there is a place to email the scientists. So, perhaps it would be worth a few minutes to leave our requests and comments for these folks at what looks like a wonderful place.

Ah, Florida.

Some of my best memories took place in the limestone springs that Florida is pocked with; these are manatees in the picture on the right.

and the beautiful beach I live near now...

How To Tell If Its Summer...

PLENTY OF PESTO FROM THE GARDEN...

fresh basil+ olive oil + fresh parmesan + garlic + pine nuts processed to make a bright green paste

...fresh tomatoes for the top and poppyseed bread to go with it.

oh the heavenly aroma

- Okay, other than the fact that it's 98 degrees outside -

Pesto IS summertime.

P.S. (Susan there will be some waiting for you in your refrigerator...)

Green the Vaccines March June 4

In case you missed it, here are Jim and Jenny speaking at the rally. If you've already seen it and wept, feel free to pass it by. It's worth watching, but it also made me sick to my stomach to think my precious child is included in these numbers (1 in 150).

No IEP Casualty

I made it through Liberty's eligibility meeting. Basically, by law in certain states, before a child turns six years old, he has to be tested and given a label. The testing is for eligibility for continued services in the school system. Florida's law recently changed so that the previous label of DD or Developmentally Delayed could change to Autistic Spectrum Disorder. In many states, children are not tested until eight years old because of the big growth spurt that can occur.

At any rate, I made it through without crying, without becoming too depressed. I know that the tests are only snapshots in time of where we think he might be developmentally. We decided it was not necessary to change anything in the IEP we just did in April.

But, it's still hard. No first grade for my boy, just "primary" ESE class. The teacher and both assistants who adore Liberty will be leaving. Budget cuts have made rearrangement necessary and that's sad. I get used to folks and come to depend on the ones that Liberty adores.

On a brighter note, Liberty used scissors all by himself for the first time in OT - no modified scissors, no hand over hand. It's a pretty big deal!

We have an appointment with his doctor Monday and I am asking for chelation finally. I feel that the MB-12 shots have helped tremendously and that has helped him to detoxify from metals. I really want to try chelation. I'm looking over what Dr. Bock says about it, and also Andy Cutler. I would love to hear your experiences with different methods.

School's out for us tomorrow. I can't wait to see how Lib does in autism camp in 2 weeks.

I wish everyone a wonderful summer!

Nemo, the Teacher

So, an update on Liberty's Finding Nemo marathon:

I got a few very helpful emails from fellow bloggers about the magical qualities of this movie. I realized that Liberty was watching this movie again with new eyes, like he just "got" it, and indeed, I really do think that a light bulb went off and he understood it suddenly.

Since last week, he is able to point to the screen when I ask him to point out Dory, Nemo, Marlin, and Gil. Most significantly, I found him in his room with his old Finding Nemo book (when did we get this, 2003?) and he was poring over the pages.

He squeals with laughter and rolls on the floor slapping his thighs when Nigel, the pelican flies into the dentists office and all hell breaks loose. He is scared over and over again when the diver appears to take Nemo and when Nemo gets stuck in the aquarium filter...scared but thrilled at the same time.

He LOVES this movie, and he is learning.

All of his reactions are appropriate. More importantly, I see my child does indeed have language. Not actual speech yet, but he has language. In fact, his receptive language has increased. He is understanding! I can tell him that we need to get his socks and shoes on and turn around and there he is socks in hand. Last night I told him he needed to brush his teeth and he got up and took the toothbrush out of my hand. This is HUGE stuff.

Thankfully, I have been able to make the shift in my perception that children can learn in many different ways in their own time on their own schedule. I always thought I believed that until Liberty came along and challenged me to test that theory, and more to trust Life, that all really is well somehow, not according to the way I think things should be.

There are teachers everywhere.

Alex Barton

Here's an update on the news story everyone has been talking about. If you have not heard yet, a child with Asperger's was voted out of the classroom by his class in Port St. Lucie, Florida, encouraged by his teacher! It was a very heartbreaking story. Since this happened, there have been enough bloggers and emails to get this teacher re-assigned (how about not allowed to come near another child)? I've received a lot of emails about it myself but never posted anything, so click the link above to read about it.

Calling Dr. Bombay, Emergency! Come right away...

I'm at another one of those frustrating points where I just feel like I'm not the right mother for Liberty. Because, a Saint, I ain't. I wish I was all Mother Love and Pure Patience and Tolerance, but I guess everyone has their breaking point. Kind people will write to me and say that I just need a break, to get off by myself, to get a massage, etc. But, what I need the most is a change in perspective. Would that I could call Dr. Bombay (come on you remember from Bewitched?)

I'm a person who is really great at detail. It's why I'm good at my job. I pay attention to the fine points. I have the kind of energy some people might label Mouse Energy, which is the ability to see up close as opposed to Hawk Energy which is the ability to rise above and see the parts as the whole. I've said before that Lib is under the microscope like a lot of children who are undergoing treatment. Parents are always observing reactions to new supplements, lack of supplements, judging quality of poops, you name it, we're observing it.

But I'm too up close to Liberty most of the time. I don't have the ability to pull back and "put it all in perspective" like my mother used to say. This is where I need to lean on others to help me correct my vision. I'm sending out my SOS.

I do exercise gratitude, though. It's not that I cannot count my blessings. I am actually in the habit of that now. I don't lose sight of my blessings because it can always be worse.

I just cannot seem to find a good feeling place regarding my son. I know that I have to do that in order to obtain peace.

The thing I am having trouble with is acceptance of what is, because I don't know what "what is" IS. Does that make sense? Sometimes I think Lib is progressing nicely and I am kind of in this steady state, and then other times, I look at him and I think, "Oh God, he's going to be six years old, he's been under a DAN doctor's care for almost a year and...he's not progressed very far." Of course, I am measuring progress by speech. I'm telling ya people, this is starting to really get to me. I want to talk to my son. I want to hear his voice. I want to know what he feels. I want to know him.

And, as you can see, I think these depressing thoughts and then I react to them as if they are real. I am not unconscious about this process. I see what's happening.

Still, I cannot find that place of rest with What Is. Can I just order one of these?

At this writing, Liberty is in the kitchen eating his pretzels and making a kind of "whoop, whoop" noise. Prior to this he was eating his yogurt by himself which is a major accomplishment because he will even wipe his mouth with a napkin (wipe his nose with a Kleenex, too!) but then he can't resist mashing the yogurt that has glopped on the floor into the carpet and playing in it like he is a baby/toddler.

He came home from school and I knew he wanted to go watch Finding Nemo. It's his new favorite thing. He wants to watch it over and over again. I guess this is where I use the word "perseveration," or do I? Am I really obliged to use the lexicon of the autism diagnosis, really? Do I really give a crap about all of that anymore? My personal experience of Liberty has been turned into the lingo of the diagnosis. He "stims" and "perseverates" and has a "need for sameness" and doesn't know where his body is in space, and...OH GOD I'm drowning in the language of the disorder.

You know I was more at peace when Liberty was so much more mine - when he was not the property of the school system and the experts. So much mine.

I don't want to know the why anymore...(unless I find out he is having seizures after all and boom here's your medication and you're done - or was that a dream I had?)

Today, as I was driving in the car, I was thinking about this obsession with Nemo over the last weekend. My son loves the movie and I think it's one of the best animated films. It has no offensive soundtrack, and it's fun to have on because it is all underwater and mostly ocean scenes. I dig that, too. It's doubly fun for Lib because there happens to be a tv in our bedroom (not hooked up to cable, thankfully) that he can watch the movie on and he likes me to get in bed with him and hug him tight during all of the exciting and scary scenes. This is kind of cool - a new kind of sharing because he is looking intensely at my face and he is sharing emotion with me. ALL of that is great.

B U T ... as I stated before, I knew when he got off the bus, the first thing he wanted was for me to turn on the tv. I wanted him to go to the bathroom and sit on the potty. He can't talk, so he just gets intense and kind of holds me tight and makes a noise and a face that lets me know he is mad. I say no and tell him to go to the bathroom first, then we will put on the movie. He gets even more intense with me and that is when I just lose it and yell at him. He stops and looks at me with those big eyes and then I feel like the shrew of the year. The worst mother. But, he does go in the bathroom and he obeys me from then on. I don't strike him or anything. I just raise my voice but I'm at the point I want to scream bloody murder, do you know what I mean?

And, trust me I have screamed into pillows to God. Oh boy has God gotten an earful from me.

I'm SICK OF AUTISM. And, I do not consider anything about it to be "awe-some".

Sure, there are some children who are completely verbal with a diagnosis of autism and they will knock your socks off with their insights. That IS cool. But it is NOT where Lib is concerned. It's a constant heartache. And yes, I need to let go of that analogy because I get lots of pain in my chest.

These blogs that talk about encouraging neurodiversity and "leaving their kids alone" just piss me off. I think they are not still scraping poop off the walls. If they were, they might sing a different song. Autism ain't so beautiful then. I know in my heart of hearts this is mercury poisoning.

I thought when I had a DAN doctor, I'd feel better. But, the DAN is so busy, I don't get to talk to him much. When I do, it's just kind of a once over of the chart, and a few ideas to try...and another year goes by and my boy is still lost somewhere in it. [I even had a dream that we drove all the way up to New York to see the doctor and the doctor and the whole staff were smashed, just drunk as skunks. And I was so pissed! ]

The only hope that I can muster right now is that Liberty did get into an autism camp this summer. Not the sleep over kind, but a day school where he will be privileged to have ABA therapy all day long with one-on-one attention. We are having to do a fundraiser for the camp just so we could get him in because we could not afford the $4,000 it costs for each child to go. So many children made advances last year (for instance all of the children were potty trained after six weeks, some began speaking) that I was sorry we were not able to get him in last year when it was only $400. All of the kids that got in last year were automatically enrolled this year. We were on a waiting list.

Ah well, as another mom of a child with autism said, "What can you do? Life goes on..." I suppose that is the bottom line.

I feel the need for an I Love Lucy marathon coming on. Besides a couple of beers, it's the only thing that can help me now, I think!

Not to mention the love I get from fellow bloggers. I need you guys. Greatly.

The Amazing Bodymind

If anyone has had experience with the Feldenkrais method, please comment. I see that Anat works with children with autism, too. It has really given me food for thought today. I also saw on Anat's site that she taught a child to read by working with his body. Interesting.

The Story

Taurine

After almost six years of getting up at night with Liberty...I have at last found something that makes this child sleep.

Although Liberty did begin sleeping better when I took him off of gluten almost exactly one year ago today, he still has some times where he wakes up for no apparent reason. I have been reading a lot about undetected seizures being a possible reason for the wakings and unexplained crying, and have decided to go to a new pediatric neurologist and get the MRI and another EEG and find out if perhaps Lib is having seizures that could account for his lack of speech development. (I tried to do that a couple of years ago but the so-called expert here in this town pretty much pegged me as an idiot for doing a gluten free diet and giving my child supplements like cod liver oil and vitamins. He basically told me Liberty's EEG was abnormal in the occipital lobe and that he didn't know what it means except that he could have a seizure at any time or convulse and die but that I should go have myself a nice day).


Recently, I began Lib on an amino acid supplement Dr. Bock recommended. I could not remember what it was for as he added three new ones from our last follow-up appointment.

The dose was supposed to be one capsule twice a day. The first day I gave him one capsule at 2:00 PM. He fell into a deep sleep at 4:00 and did not wake up again until around midnight! The next day, I gave him one capsule at 4:00. He fell asleep at 6:00 and did not wake up until the next morning on time for school! Now, I can give it to him at 6:00 with guaranteed bedtime at 8:00 and wake-up time around 6:00 in time for school. Perfect.

I just cannot believe it. Other parents who have their children on taurine tell me that it has a calming effect, but it has never, in fact, knocked them out. I began to wonder if this is some missing ingredient that his little body needs.

I called the doctor's office in NY and they said that they, too, had never had a child react like Liberty to taurine. They said to just back it off and start slowly. So, now I can give about a 1/4 of a capsule and it is calming. One half capsule and he goes to bed for the entire night!

Taurine - my DREAM DRUG - mother's sleep-in-a-bottle.

So, I did a little digging around for information on this amino acid. Here is what the literature said:

- that it is one of the oldest treatments given to children with autism.
- that it is a powerful antioxidant.
- that it was given to control tics.
- that it prevents seizures and is given for epilepsy.
- that over 60% of children with autism have a taurine deficiency.

Here is an excerpt from an article on the role of taurine:

-Acts as an antioxidant
-Has anti-inflammatory effects
-Stimulates biosynthesis of lipids that are important in maintaining cell membrane integrity
-Can be neuroprotective by counteracting excessive levels of excitotoxic amino acids such as glutamate, and deficiencies can result in impairments in energy metabolism.

Sounds pretty good, huh?

I can't tell you how many people have asked me if I've taken it myself yet. Apparently, there are a lot of people with insomnia!

If anyone has had any experience with taurine, please comment. I could not find anything adverse about it anywhere.

Mother's sleep-in-a-bottle. Yes indeed.

What might have been

Autism's Cause Du Jour

Today, the cause of autism is....pet shampoo.

Doesn't it feel like so much effort is being put into taking the emphasis off of vaccines?

Another Glimpse into Autism Issues in the UK

A video from a new blogger friend in the UK regarding Andrew Wakefield's trial. Though it is rather dramatic, it's worth watching because it has a lot of commentary, especially from Jim Moody, Andy's lawyer.

Point of Attraction

You will notice that those who speak most of prosperity, have it. Those who speak most of health, have it. Those who speak most of sickness, have it. Those who speak most of poverty, have it. It is Law. It can be no other way... The way you feel is your point of attraction, and so, the Law of Attraction is most understood when you see yourself as a magnet getting more and more of the way you feel. When you feel lonely, you attract more loneliness. When you feel poor, you attract more poverty. When you feel sick, you attract more sickness. When you feel unhappy, you attract more unhappiness. When you feel healthy and vital and alive and prosperous—you attract more of all of those things.

Excerpted from a workshop in “The Law of Attraction, The Basics of the Teachings of Abraham”

Valtrex Shmaltrex

This past Sunday, Liberty had a severe reaction to the Valtrex we started him on as antiviral therapy. We initiated this "therapy" in relation to a theory that autism may be part of a complex manifestation of a viral + fungal/bacterial + heavy metals infection. And, some children with autism are thought to be "viral kids," according to their lab results and history.

Liberty was started on an antifungal back in January for the purpose of preparing for the antiviral which can make a yeast situation worst, and also to rid him of his cradle cap. So far the antifungal has worked very well for Liberty. As you may recall, the yeast die-off he experienced when we first began this treatment was horrendous. He has now been on the antifungal for over four months with liver function tests checked monthly.

I began the Valtrex in a tiny dose, same as the antifungal. I never go by the dose prescribed since I know that Liberty is more sensitive to these medications. He had at least a week on the Valtrex slowly titrating the dose up to 1/2 a teaspoon twice a day. When we reached 3/4 teaspoon on Sunday, the child almost came unglued. He cried, wailed, and I am pretty sure he was hallucinating. He was batting at the air. He had a few times where he was okay, even going outside to play, but then would go right back into a huge screaming fit. When one episode went on for over 30 minutes non-stop, I was terrified. I called the office in New York but never got a return call. I should have known to give Liberty some charcoal to absorb the medication, but I was too busy calming him down for my brain to even register this.

When I looked up die-off reactions from Valtrex, all of the descriptions were of "emotional instability." A family member recently had a bout of shingles and took the drug, and told me it made her feel odd and hyped her up. We had also given Liberty his methy B-12 shot that day so that might have sent him over the top.

At any rate, it was pretty bad. He had been up crying off and on all weekend with what I thought was postnasal drip, but in hindsight, it could have been the Valtrex all along.

When you start looking around on Google for information, you find all sorts of things. There are some who say that symptoms are supposed to get worse before they get better and to hang in there for something like 50 days. Well, maybe if my son was just irritable or stimmy I could do that. Instead, he was screaming in a rage, hurling himself into my arms, giving me that pleading look. I think he was also dizzy. I can't just sit back and watch him do that for over a month!

It has been three full days since Sunday and he is still emotionally labile and really stimming. Last night I thought I saw his eyes start to roll up, but it never looked like a seizure and he seemed to be okay thereafter. This has prompted me to renew my interest in getting an MRI and another EEG.

Valtrex was $210 but we can say we tried, I guess.

I was not quite sure what Dr. Bock's recommendation would be, but he said to stop the Valtrex completely, and that goes along with the feeling that I have. I feel relief and that, to me, means the right decision was made. I never gave Lib anymore after that episode.

I will say that Liberty began saying more vowels as of yesterday. He is saying "uh-oh." That's pretty big. Twice today he looked me in the eye and said, "mom" very clearly.

Of course there are some folks who think that I am giving up on a therapy to bring Liberty back from wherever he is, or at least give us some speech. I'm not so sure about that. The way I felt Sunday was that putting my child in pain and in danger on an adult drug that has some very serious side-efects was not acceptable. Dr. Bock must think that we need to take a different route, and I have trusted his opinion up to this point. That's what I pay the man for.

A blogger friend reminded me that we hire doctors for their advice, not to do everything they tell us. Thank God for my wonderful support group in the blogisphere. I love you people to death. :)

In the end, I have to go on what my gut is telling me. Truly, you have to feel your way on this path.

Maybe that is another thing Liberty is teaching me. Since he is non-verbal, I have had nothing to guide me EXCEPT my intuition.

Welcome to the Rainforest

Ever since Liberty began his therapeutic listening, it has apparently increased his vocalizations. Lately, it has gotten to the point where he is outright screeching, chirping, howling, yelling, or even whispering. It's starting to get on my last frayed and dangling nerve.

And, forget about it if I answer the phone. There must be some kind of "disturbance in the Force," to borrow a phrase from Star Wars, that, whenever I put my ear to the telephone, he will invariably appear right in front of me (from wherever he has been) and begin these wild and crazy vocalizations. He will climb up in my lap and turn my face toward his, or try and get the phone out of my hand. Pity the poor caller on the other end who usually gets a big "whoop, whoop," bellowed into their ears.

What can I say? It's just starting to get to me.

Sometimes he wakes up in the morning with a happy little screech or yelp that rips me from whatever level of sleep I was able to attain. He is in the other room right now and it sounds like "yipping." I can only hope that this is pre-speech, not just some kind of new stim. I've waited so long for speech.

I found one of my son's old occupational therapy notebooks in which the therapist wrote down that Liberty said four words: "Get down, go out, Mom, and Tigger." That day stands out in my memory. He was two years old. He will be six years old in July.

I just don't get it. Where is the speech? I know his receptive language has increased because he follows commands now. There is something that just won't allow his brain to make that connection he needs. It can get me so down.

Today, for instance, Lib started crying and I could not get him to attempt to show me what was wrong. I took his finger and tried to get him to point to areas of his body. All he did was cry harder and hurl himself into my arms. Eventually, I was so worn out that I was crying, too. We had been up at 2 and 4 AM the night before because the weather turned humid; rain was on its way. It rained hard most of this morning. I think my son got the usual postnasal drip that this part of the Gulf is so famous for. So, I was tired and I know he was tired.

I rocked him until I could rock no more. He is heavy. My bones and muscles ache. My back is about to go out again, I can feel it.

I wearily got up and just collapsed on the bed in the bedroom while he continued to cry in the other room. I just had no more energy. Finally, he came and climbed into bed with me and we napped with our arms wrapped around each other for at least two hours when I awoke to long shadows in the house, the sun going down. Lib continued to nap for another two hours, utterly worn out.

These are the scenarios we constantly cycle through. We mostly have pretty good days. But, when Lib is hurting and cannot communicate with me, that is when I am at my wit's end yet again, and I question everything. I just sit back and watch my mind as all the "trash talk" blows through like tumbleweeds - random thoughts about how it was that damned MMR shot that did this, or I'm angry that they are so proud at school about how well he is communicating but communication stinks at home. I suddenly want to rush to the hospital and get an MRI, maybe it's a brain tumor after all. Maybe I need to change doctors. Maybe I should take him off all supplements, maybe I should do all the supplements I have been letting slip through the cracks....on and on it goes. I cannot stop those thoughts but I can step back from them now and just witness them. It does help. A little.

I guess vocalizing is in many ways better than silence. I see my son with those bright and shiny eyes trying his best. Sometimes I have imitated his sounds to see what he would do, and usually he stops and looks at me. I'm trying meet him where he is. Mostly I dream about not being able to find him, my mind's way I guess of burning off fears.

You know, most of the biomed treatments we have encountered all say that behaviors usually get worse before they get better. I'm sure that is true sometimes, but is it always true? My occupational therapist I have now who guides Liberty's therapeutic listening told me that she thinks that Lib is just transitioning, and to try and be patient and watch him for a month and see if things change. Our speech therapist said most of this is sensory integration problems. Right now he is running his hands in front of his face, getting eye level with countertops and rocking back and forth, measuring distance (it looks like to me) by walking from one end of the room to the other , and now these persistent sounds that really do imitate gibbons in the rainforest. Ever hear one of those? It's a wop, wop, wop sound.

Oh, yes, and the clapping. The clap-clap-clapping.

Can anyone doubt why I cherish my alone time...the peace of silent meditation? This is that core that I have to cultivate if I am to going to be able to withstand this journey with my son.

An Article Worth Reprinting Here...

OLMSTED ON AUTISM: CDC triggers measles outbreak

By DAN OLMSTED

I'm starting to think we should rename the CDC the Centers for Disease Contagion. You've all seen the news that there are suddenly more measles cases in the United States and the CDC is blaming it in part on the increasing reluctance of parents to vaccinate their kids.But it's the CDC's fault, and no other. Getting the "measles shot" means getting the MMR, and the MMR is "the autism shot" in the minds of many, many parents.

That's what Jenny McCarthy called it just before her doctor assured her it was not, just before he gave it to Evan, just before Evan regressed into autism. That's the shot they're trying to crucify Andy Wakefield for warning about -- for saying way back in 1998 that it might be best to split up the components while we figure this out. (That was several hundred thousand autism cases ago. Good luck trying to get just a measles shot.) The MMR is the shot Merck combined with chickenpox vaccine and ended up giving kids twice the number of fever-induced seizures. And the MMR's the shot the CDC still recommends at 12 months on the same office visit as the chickenpox shot. They see nothing, they learn nothing, and then they blame it all on parents who do.

Instead of acknowledging or connecting any of this, the media call in their experts -- doctors all, of course -- to remind everyone to look at the nice, color-coded,, easy to understand immunization schedule the CDC so helpfully posts (Thanks, Dr. Nancy!). That, they suggest, would set everyone's mind at ease and get all our kiddies back on schedule. I doubt it. I think it would scare parents even further to death, if such a thing is technically possible.

Let me tell you one reason why I'm not shy or circumspect about squarely blaming the CDC for this -- because Jon Poling, Hannah's dad, predicted something like this, or much worse, just a few week ago. And he said just what I'm saying. In the Atlanta Journal-Constitution on April 11, he wrote: "The current vaccine schedule, co-sponsored by the CDC and the American Academy of Pediatrics, injures a small but significant minority of children, my daughter unfortunately being one of those victims. Every day, more parents and some pediatricians reject the current vaccine schedule. In an abundance of caution, meaningful reform must be performed urgently to prevent the re-emergence of serious diseases like polio or measles.

"As a neurologist, I have cared for those afflicted with SSPE (a rare but dreaded neurological complication of measles), paralytic polio and tetanus. If these serious vaccine-preventable diseases again become commonplace, the fault will rest solely on the shoulders of public health leaders and policymakers who have failed to heed the writing on the wall (scribbled by my 9-year old daughter)."

Dr, Poling is the real deal, educated at Johns Hopkins, devoted both to his daughter and his patients, tempered by reality. He's mild-mannered. He's mainstream. He's credible. To repeat for emphasis: He says that if a disease like measles emerges again, "the fault will rest solely on the shoulders of public health leaders and policymakers."

That's the CDC. Right now they're triggering a measles outbreak, and that may just be the start of the havoc they're going to cause unless Congress or the (next) president reminds them who's REALLY in control around here.

--Dan Olmsted is Editor of Age of Autism

Thursday Thoughts

The proof is in the Amish. Read about an Amish girl and her autism that developed after a vaccination in an article written by Dan Olmstead over at the Age of Autism here. What will it take for Geberding of the CDC to stop uttering her ridiculous comments about Hannah Poling's autism being an isolated case?
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On a completely different note, Robin has written about her Spring herb garden. I think this is a wonderful thing to do, and it looks like the growing trend now to raise your own herbs and vegetables. There is a unique company I just ran across in our neck of the woods called "Off the Vine." These folks are based out of Atlanta and they deliver fresh, organic fruits and vegetables as they are in season and available on a weekly (or bi-weekly and monthly) basis to anyone in their range. Check them out to see if they ship to your town. I am personally interested in this as it would save me gas and time, and I would not have to scour the earth anymore for the freshest organic stuff. I think that we would probably even eat better or smarter. With this service, you get different produce as it is available and in season. They give you a list for the week's shipment. I think this could be kind of exciting, as you would plan your meals around what is in season and eat more fresh foods. If you are fortunate enough to live in an area where you have local access to fresh, organic produce then this service probably would not seem that enticing.

I do think that people are going to begin to come together as communities, raising and sharing food, conserving gas and resources, and recycling more. I have stopped the madness of buying water bottles to put in my son's lunch. Not only does the plastic pollute the environment, but now there is a concern that a chemical used in plastics called bisphenol-A (BPA) leaches into the water. Not good for our kids. Not good for anybody.

Therefore, I bought a lunch box-sized, stainless steel water bottle from Klean Kanteen for Liberty and LOVE IT. I think I will get a water bottle for myself, as well. We have a filter on our kitchen tap. Now, I want to get a filter for the shower and tub. I just want to become more conscious of what we are doing on a daily basis. I think we all need to do this, our future and our children's future depend on it.

Today is my beautiful, talented, adorable and wonderful niece, Jennifer's 34th birthday. She was born when I was 14 going on 15 and we have always had a very strong bond. Now, Jenn and my son Liberty have that same kind of bond. When she comes to our house, Liberty won't let her out of his sight and clings to her like glue! Think there's some kind of spiritual thing going on there? I think so.

Happy Birthday, Jenn. Happy May Day, and Happy Spring everyone.

Merck Vaccine Plant Problems

Thanks to my niece for this interesting piece of information.

If I were expecting a child today, I would not vaccinate my child right away (and plan on nursing), making damn sure that I signed all of the papers to waive vaccinations in the hospital before I delivered my child. Then I would find a pediatrician who would respect my wishes to put my child on a vaccination schedule wherein the vaccinations were spaced far apart.

And, I'd be campaigning to green the vaccines (see below).

Short of that, what do you do?

Passing the Torch

This article nearly killed me to read. But, it's worth it because there are two men who are walking for autism from San Francisco to D.C. They are friends of the family of a little boy with autism who passed away at 7 years old named Elias Tembenis:

"The Elias Tembenis Walk for Autism is a journey across America to benefit families struggling to pay for autism therapy and medical services. Two friends of the Tembenis Family, Robert Williams and Bobby Genese, both of Worcester, MA, will begin their walk in May 2008."

Here's more from another article:

Robert Williams and Bobby Genese of Worcester will walk approximately 3000 miles in honor of Elias Tembenis, a seven-year-old boy with autism who passed away last November following a seizure. Tembenis family friends Williams and Genese hope to provide aid for the 1 in 150 now diagnosed with autism.

"I'm honored to help," said Genese. "Even a waterfall begins with only one drop, giving rewards."

Elias was the only child of Harry and Gina Tembenis of Worcester. They wish to honor their son's memory by helping children like Elias.

"We wanted to honor the light he brought to our lives by keeping the torch lit," said Gina Tembenis, "and passing that torch to other families rather than just letting that fabulous light go dark."

Addendum: Here is even more inspiration. Apparently, TACA (Talk About Curing Autism), is going national. Here is one dad who is trying raise $5,000 to start a chapter in Washington state and raised almost all of the money online. You can read about it here. Just shows you what parents and friends can do. This is the blessing of technology.

Jim and Jenny's DC Rally in June

Read on to see how you can "march" with the ralliers even if you can't attend. Great idea!

Thousands Expected to Attend June Rally in DC -

Register Online

Continuing the media momentum that began with Jenny McCarthy in 2007, and amplified by the Poling decision in 2008, Jim Carrey joins Jenny in inviting the community to attend their "Green Our Vaccines" rally on June 4, 2008 in Washington, D.C.

The event is co-sponsored by Talk About Curing Autism (TACA), Generation Rescue, HEAL Foundation - Healing Every Autistic Life and Moms Against Mercury. The aim of the rally is to focus attention on eliminating the harmful substances in vaccines and making the vaccine schedule safe.

The rally begins at 9 a.m., followed by a march at 10 and a press conference at 11, at which Jenny McCarthy, Jim Carrey, and members of Congress will address the media. In addition, there will be opportunities to meet with your legislators in the Capitol. This rally will make history, and everyone within reach of Washington, D.C. is encouraged to attend.

Can't Make it to the Rally? Buy a Puzzle Piece and Send a Photo

Want to your child and family to be represented at the rally?
Ellen Sweeney of Brick, NJ is selling Autism Puzzle Pieces for
the Million Dollar Puzzle Piece Challenge, a fundraiser that
benefits the Autism Research Institute, in honor of Dr. Bernard
Rimland.

"Bernie was instrumental in starting me 9 years ago on the biomedical path to help my son Nicholas, now 11, diagnosed with autism. I was lucky enough to find ARI when I was searching for answers to help my son and when I called ARI, much to my surprise, Bernie answered the phone and told me all was not lost.

He guided me through the tons of information and helped me to find research on biomedical and behavioral interventions like ABA, VB, etc. I am asking for any parent who cannot come to the rally who would like to be represented to drop a picture of their child or loved one affected by autism into an envelope with a donation to ARI (minimum of a $1 please but feel free to give more!).

I will affix the picture with the name of your family, your
child's name, whatever you prefer to the puzzle piece and place
it on a sign that my son with ASD, myself, and my daughter can carry (or a banner if I get a lot and there is a need!) so your family can march with us in DC."

Thanks so much for helping support ARI and the Green Our Vaccines Rally!"

Deadline: May 23rd

Visit the Autism Research Institute to read this article reprinted here, and subscribe to their newsletter!

One Family's Autism Journey in the UK

A Thank You Note to My Family

I am writing today to express my gratitude to our family for all of the help they have given to us over the last four long years.

We know that Liberty would not be anywhere near where he is now had it not been for his grandparents, aunts, and cousins who adore him and who have contributed to his welfare not only financially but who have exended to us their unfailing emotional support, as well.

We consider this to be part of our prosperity and abundance and take none of it for granted. We remain acutely aware each and every day of just how very blessed we are to have this circle of family love and security that supports us and buoys us, not only during our weak and fearful moments, but also celebrates our joys. Oh! How truly fortunate we are.

Our insurance in our state does not cover autism...yet. We are hoping that soon the financial burden for families will be lifted in every state.

For those who do not understand the cost of treatment, consider this. DAN! doctor appointments whether they are in person or by phone are anywhere from $250 t $400 per hour. We are fortunate that our doctor does not charge by the hour but has flat fees of $250 per phone appointment and no charge for weekends or extra phone calls.

Juts today, I received Liberty's drugs in the mail by our compounding pharmacy. The Valtrex for our new antiviral therapy was $210 with our insurance co-pay. The set of 12 methy B-12 shots were 45. One pill of DMSA for a urine metals challenge was $4.95. Our antifungal, Diflucan, was $87. The delivery fee was $35. All told, today's bill amounted to approximately $380. Not to mention the $250 just spent on our follow-up appointment last week. Oh, and the new supplements were around $50 for the curcumin, inositol, niacinate, and taurine.

Over $700, and, I have not paid a big pile of daily living bills yet!

But, look at how far our little Liberty Marshall has come...look how far. How do you put a price on THAT?

So, to my dear, sweet family we thank you profusely. But "thank you" is just not enough.

Thanks for all of the LOVE.

Autism Yesterday

Good Things (as Martha says)..

Yesterday, Liberty rode a rollercoaster for the first time in his life by himself! You'd think I had pictures right? Wrong. Forgot the camera. It's just so much to juggle. I need to get a small movie camera like the Wondershot or something. I've been meaning to do that but other things have taken precedent like supplements and DAN! doctor appointments.

ANYWAY, there was this rollercoaster that looked like a Japanese dragon. It was child-sized but it went pretty fast around the little track. He was just dying to go on it. The attendant strapped him in tight and I just prayed he understood when I told him to hold on. My heart was in my mouth as the thing took off suddenly and Lib jerked back a little. (I had these fearful images run through my head of him ripping off the seatbelt and jumping out, me second guessing my decision in those few seconds...).

I wrung my hands like Ma Kettle and then I saw it: The sheer joy of being free on my little boy's face. He was holding on, grinning from ear to ear and riding that thing! He was in the front car with other little children behind him - all of them holding on and laughing and grinning. Tears just streamed down my face. I think he is capable now of so much more than I ever imagined.

He loved it so much, I let him go on it again before we left and he even handed the attendant his tickets!

My heart just swells with joy as I think of this.

He went on the "bungee jump" (not really a jump - just suspended in the air by cables with a big inflated mat underneath so you can jump up high). I wasn't going to let him go again because it was rather pricey, but he cried and screamed out, "AGAIN!" You never saw anyone put a kid on a ride so fast.

Gotta reward those words!

He's such a trooper, my Lib. I realize that there is now a fine line between over-protecting my son and allowing him to do things on his own. In the past, I have been super protective because with no speech and no way of knowing that he heard me or understood, you know I could not be for certain that he could handle anything like riding a ride on his own. I'm just not sure what he is capable of, and I would forever regret that I was not the protector I should be if something terrible happened to my son.

But, yesterday, he showed me. My son is getting ready to fly. I must let him.

Sunday Morning Sensory

Look Liberty brought me some flours!

Tests

Well, I survived the IEP. Liberty has a good plan in place and I am content with the method of teaching they are using. Never mind that I found out Liberty's teacher is pregnant and won't be back next year. *Sigh*

What floored me during the meeting is the fact that, had my sister not been there with me, these folks would have given my son an IQ test without my knowing about it.

That's right.

Someone shoved a piece of paper underneath my hand to sign and my sister quickly took it out of my hands and said, "Do you know what this is? This is permission to give Liberty tests and apparently they are starting today without your prior permission." They did not even tell me ahead of time. I think that is against the law, actually. Don't get me wrong, my sister was not a total witch at the meeting or anything. She just knows what she is doing and she can see bullshit coming a mile away. She worked in the field of learning disabilities for 30 years. She is a speech therapist and administrator. She has sat on both sides of the table.

And, she is invaluable to me. I am very much indebted to her help and guidance through this confusing labyrinth called "special education."

There is an IQ test called a Wechsler (Wexler). To give it to my non-verbal son is ludicrous. They argued, saying that it was just a number no one would take seriously. I told them that if a number was given to Liberty, which would be very low, I don't care what they say, anyone who had any kind of contact with my son from that point on would see that low IQ and in turn lower their expectations of what my son can do. I know my son is not mentally retarded. I know he is a smart child. But, you cannot give a one-size-fits-all test to my son. So, my sister hashed out with the folks in the meeting what tests she thought were appropriate and they finally all agreed, and there were about three, I think.

Like all special needs children, Liberty has to be re-evaluated before age six because the State of Florida says he cannot be labeled "developmentally delayed" any longer. It has to be ASD or language delayed.

We will be called back for the results of the tests (oh joy) in May by the school psychologist. It occurred to me that Liberty might have to go to another school. Gee, all of a sudden, it seems his future hangs in a balance. Oh well, I will just spend the time in between visualizing him in the best possible place for him to be.

My sister told me she will be with me at all future meetings because I almost had the wool pulled over my eyes by this school that I trusted. It was very disconcerting to me. I asked her if she thought I needed to change school districts, but where we are, the ratio of teacher to student is really low, so I think he is still in a good place. I just knew that when I was advised to send my child to school at age 3, that even though the structure has been good for him and all of that, I felt that the system had a hold of my boy then. And, it's so true. Is it not enough that we have so much on our plates already trying to help our children, that we have to protect him from falling through the cracks at school and be constantly vigilant lest his care being mishandled? The liaison who was conducting the meeting gave me the standard pat assurance: "We care deeply for our children in this county." I felt like saying, "What does that have to do with the fact that you did not tell me you were starting to test my boy TODAY and give him an IQ test that I nor his father had approved?"

My sister and I both said, "He will have no Wecshler IQ test. Period."

Anyway, we are waiting to hear if we got into autism camp this summer. We are number 5 on the waiting list. The camp was recognized nationally last year. There are now so many children who qualify to go but only so many slots. This area is full of parents now who are "coming out" of the closet so to speak with their biomedical treatments! I will be posting more on this exciting development later.

In the meantime, if your child is in preschool or about to turn six, keep your eyes open for the kind of testing your child will be receiving. Ask the school administrators for a list. They tried to tell me and my sister that it wasn't important, that I didn't need to know! My sister actually had to say, "Oh no, that is not true. You are required to reveal the tests being given."

You know we did not go into that meeting hostile or to be bitchy or anything. The speech therapist at the table actually raised her voice so loud, it was nauseating to me. We were simply advocates for my child. My sister even praised them for the good things that they had all done for my son this year. But, their approach to testing, was dead wrong and illegal. I guess smaller counties can get away with it as long as they don't have watchdogs like my Big Sis around.

So, Bottom Line: Don't let them test your child without your permission!

Loving What Is, What A Concept!

For those of you who are following the Eckhart Tolle class on Oprah, as I am, you may want to check out the work of Byron Katie. She has a method of inquiry actually called, "The Work," that really helps to sort out the truth from our judgments about reality. Here is what Eckhart himself says about her on her site:

"Byron Katie’s Work is a great blessing for our planet. The root cause of suffering is identification with our thoughts, the ‘stories’ that are continuously running through our minds. The Work acts like a razor-sharp sword that cuts through that illusion and enables you to know for yourself the timeless essence of your being. Joy, peace, and love emanate from it as your natural state.” -Eckhart Tolle, author, The Power of Now

There are quite a few videos you can click on where you can watch Byron in action, doing The Work with people at workshops.

I have her book "Loving What Is," and "I Need Your Love - Is That True?"

I am sharing this because I did The Work on some things that were bothering me last night and I had a Eureka moment. So much so that I dreamed I was in a hospital and Byron Katie was my doctor. Is that a message or what?!

Check her out. You'll be glad you did!

Amen, Judy!

Judy Blume wrote a nice piece on her blog as to her decision to vote for Obama. I wholeheartedly agree. Check it out here.

Right Under My Nose

This is just an example of how perception is just another word for habitual thinking.


I have been taught for so long by therapists and people working in the field of sensory disorders and autism about the philosophy and techniques of getting a child to communicate, that I have missed an important part of the whole thing: That would be the fact that my child IS indeed communicating and has been for some time.

This is where someone bangs on my forehead as in the V8 commercials. Hello! Anyone home?!

It took both of my sisters, one a deaf edcuator and the other a speech therapist to point out the obvious: That the reason I am having difficulty with pictures or sign at home is because Liberty has moved beyond that!

How hilarious is that?

It's so true. My dear sisters spent the afternoon with us yesterday observing. Liberty said, "Ow" to go out, so my sisters let him go outside. He indicated he wanted to go to the car, so, my sister promptly let him get in her car. He indicated he wanted bacon, even shaking his head for yes. I wasn't sure, but my sister was, and damned if she wasn't right. He was starving for bacon. They see the gestures better than I do because I am looking for more precise communication.

Har-dee-har-har.

This morning he brought a bag of graham crackers to me and said, "Cacuh." Intense total eye contact. Emotional connection. Happy. Hug and a kiss. Off he goes. The other day he brought his cup and a bottle of water to me from the refrigerator. He was having trouble twisting the top off. And, that sound that sounds like, "do,"...sit tight folks...actually means, you guessed it, "Do!"

I just didn't get the fact that the pictures and the signs are mere props for "communication," and that includes non-verbal communication. I've just been on the same kind of regimen since Lib was 20 months old when the therapists began to troupe in and out of our house.

And, indeed, Liberty's speech is emerging now. The eye contact, the pointing, doing everything he can to get his needs met, and trying to repeat words. Apparently, I thought I was not having success if the child did not hand me a picture, look me directly in the eye and say the word. Or sign each time he wanted something. The fact is, if he was not signing, he was SAYING something. And, that's what we want, right? I was so intent on Lib saying a word correctly that I just missed the point of the whole protocol.

Toddlers don't start out saying words correctly. "Excuse, me mother dear, may I have a cracker, please?" They get parts of words or something that sounds like it. And, what do adults do? They just keep repeating the word correctly and one day the child gets it.

Yep, he might be 5 and a half, but he's in his toddler phase "at this moment in time," and I am loving it!

I sure wish I could tell other parents what it took to get here. That it was a particular supplement, or a doctor, or a teacher, or a shot, or something. What I believe is that, everything we have done has all come together to help kick-start his body's own ability to heal itself. This is what I believe is called "synergy!"

I also do not underestimate the power of therapeutic listening. Since Liberty started back on on his listening program, almost all of the supposed OCD symptoms are gone. If you look up autism and CAPD (central auditory processing disorder) you will find that so often these two go hand in hand. I first learned about this through a book called, Awakening Ashley by Sharon Ruben. Sharon used the Tomatis Method. After looking around, I found Vital Links and the therapeutic listening program in my town administered by only two certified occupational therapists. We saw almost instant changes in attention.

There is a book called, "Like Sound Through Water," by Karen Foli, whose child was diagnosed with autism but actually had auditory processing disorder. The child passed hearing tests, but the brain was unable to process sounds correctly. This can affect the reaching of milestones. He began to speak and understand after he later "retrained his brain" with a program called Fast Forward. He later told his mother that everything sounded to him like it was underwater. Fascinating.

My oldest sister, Bev, the speech therapist, handed me that book after observing Liberty for a time. She is now retired, but she was responsible for bringing Fast Forward into the county's school system. I am so proud of her for that. And, there is "good science" behind it, to boot. And I think it is kind of an eery thing, that she would do that before we knew Liberty was having problems. It was almost meant to be. Lib will be using Fast Forward eventually.

Liberty is a very different child than who he was last year. We were in Dr. Bock's office last July and he was really withdrawn. He was hyper in the motel room. He was not communicating. What a difference a year makes.

Am I still frustrated at times? Yes! Is he still frustrated at times, you bet! But, out of frustation, many times, comes success.

Yeah, I know.

Duh.

April - Hiding Out Time

I can appreciate that April is Autism Awareness Month - for others. For me, of course, I am acutely aware and I usually have to duck and cover when all of the email and phone calls start. "Did you see that article?" "Did you see so-and-so on Larry King, or Montel, or CNN?" "Do you really believe in chelation?"

Oh, everyone means well. And, it's not them. It's me.

I just have to say that I am in the middle of my son's recovery journey and our venture into biomed treatments and that makes me a little shaky. Don't get me wrong, I am an advocate for my child. I have been the researcher, teacher, therapist and gluten free/casein free/yeast free/sugar free (and probably taste free) chef until I could just drop dead of exhaustion. But comes a time, as Neil Young sang, when the smartest thing I can do is to keep my focus on the present and not get pulled down again into the muck and mire of the "painful story." Comes a time to be quiet. To seek sanctuary. To accept what is.

(Here's where parents scream that they don't have to accept their child's current state of autism and do nothing).

What I mean is, if you don't accept the way things are in the present moment, then assume a stance that is warrior like (fighting autism, battling autism, winning...) what you are doing is pushing against the present and creating resistance - PAIN. You can accept something and decide to take a course of action without all of the thoughts about it that create the pain. When you really think about it, all we are doing is reacting to words, to thoughts. (Why people meditate, but that's another conversation).

Once again, I proved this to myself today. I had the thought, "Where am I ever going to get the money to take care of my boy if he winds up in a home? (Tears). He is so far behind now he won't be able to ever catch up with his peers. (More tears). I mean, we are not even past the word "ball" for God's sake and he's 5 years old. (Unconsolable basket case).

After talking to my sister (thank God she is retired and actually studying Tolle's work), I was helped back to the present moment and had the following thoughts: My son is so happy, look how far he has come in a year. (Tears drying up). Look how far in just one month. (Brighter). He is blooming like a flower, it's subtle, it occurs when you aren't watching, or it is slow growth and you miss it, but it is steady and every day something great happens. (Picking up the energy). It is possible for a child to move through his milestones swiftly once the connections are made. (Feeling better). He'll catch up and so what if it is not in the "usual" timeframe. So what? (Back to balance, well-being).

When I talk about reaching for relief thoughts, this is what I mean. I have been given an incredible opportunity to practice this on a daily basis and it is life-changing. The Teachings of Abraham have been of enormous importance in my life. (See side link for more information).

But I digress...

My son is on Spring break all week until next Tuesday. There has not been much to do with the weather being kind of foggy/cloudy/humid. I had been dreading the week because I truly cannot get a lot "done," which is mainly the work I do at night if, that is, I can keep my eyes open after Lib goes to bed. But, turns out I have really enjoyed being with my boy. Perhaps it is because he is engagable now. He is communicating his needs to me better. Not only that, he is sharing experience with me. It feels as though he is more present now, too. He is looking at me more and more, searching my face, sharing smiles.

I put a little table in a corner of the kitchen that has become our therapy table. Liberty puts his headphones on for his therapeutic listening and we sit and do puzzles or color or something like that to get him to focus for gradually longer periods of time. The CD he is now listening to has nature sounds on it. For a few minutes this morning, I could not figure out how I got crickets in my house, then I realized it was coming from my child's head! There are also dolphin clicks on this one which he loves.

Last night, we watched Finding Nemo together on the couch. I love to watch his little face, the way it lights up when something funny happens, or how he is scared but thrilled when something terrifying is happening and he buries his head in my neck. He did not let me up off the couch and when I tried to get up to do something, he pulled me back down and gave me a pleading look that I had never seen before! And, today, I got a huge kiss then he put my hands on his ears, meaning, "please put my headphones back on, mom."

He is doing lots of pretend play. I see animals and little people hopping all over the house. I know when he is playing, I hear it on the stone floor. Hop-hop-hop, throw. Hop-hop-hop-hop-hop, throw.

It still breaks my heart though, when we go to the park and I see boys his age, or worse yet, kids so much younger than he is, who are running with their friends or siblings and talking up a storm and pointing. While my son is not withdrawn, I don't see any of that "normal" stuff. My wish for him is that he had some folks to play with, who would allow him to be as he is. There was a little boy in our neighborhood who loved to come down to "Wiberty's Woom" and who was very verbal and very nice to Lib. He used to ask why Liberty was not talking and I could tell him and he seemed to understand. He would take his hand and say, "Come on Wib..." Or if Lib was doing something silly, he would sit and laugh. Unfortunately, his family moved last summer when we came home from our DAN! doctor visit in New York. Children like that are GOLD to me.

Another reason for sanctuary this month: The IEP is a coming down the pike on the 10th. And, I have to figure out why my son is not being taught PECS and whether Verbal Behavior is better than PECS and I have no idea really. So, my sisters are coming along with me: One is a retired speech therapist, the other sister is a former teacher of deaf children and adults who is fluent in sign. I call them The Big Guns. Seriously, I need help sorting it all out.

I was getting ready to end this long-winded post, when Lib walks in and starts turning off the lights and puts his arms up to me. This is the cue for "I want to go to sleep." As we go to his room, I pass an area where he has set up his play animals. It is stunning. So....so....dare I say that stupid word? Normal.

He gets in bed and wants to sleep with his Giraffe! A first. It's plastic, not cuddly, but you know, he wants it to go to sleep with him. Wow.

My God, we are having a whole rash of "firsts." I'm delighted. I can't believe that earlier today, I was thinking such depressing, dire thoughts about my son's life.

What I really need to duck and cover from is my own mind.

(Earth) Mother Love

Paean to the Earth, (paean meaning "song" or "praise"), is a collection of essays and short stories based on the author's experience living in the western portion of the United States. Through beautiful writing, she explores global warming and climate change, the earth's delicate biological balance, and also how future generations might deal with the ecological issues that face our planet.

On the back cover:

"I believe it has come to pass that even with our great intelligence and schools of thought about so many things, we as a culture have lost touch with the set of instructions that bring balance to our actions: a sense of how much is enough, a feeling of reverence for all life and basic knowledge of how to live on Earth." - The Author

This book happens to be very near and dear to my heart. Why? The author is none other than my sister, Susan! And check out the beautiful photograph that graces the cover and back, taken by Susan, herself. I never knew how wonderfully rich and alive the desert was until my sister moved out West.

You can tell she comes from a family of teachers. Because of her diverse background in natural history, the reader not only learns more about Mother Earth's natural systems and the interconnectedness to her inhabitants, but also comes away more inspired to help restore this beautiful planet that she so dearly loves.

Just in time for Earth Day, this book would make a great gift for yourself or someone else.

Also, check out Susan's blog. There is a RED ALERT posted about climate change that you will want to read.