Blessings

1) Liberty is very healthy with a strong immune system. Thanks, Dr. Bock.
2) Liberty is a very happy and joyful soul. Thanks, God.
3) Liberty is eating and detoxifying and calmer! Thanks, Thomas Easley.
4) Liberty slept through the night. Thanks, Daddy for playing with him all evening.
5) Liberty is trying to talk, communicate and picking up signs. Thanks, Kathy the teacher.

So much to be grateful for. And, all of this on my mind after a peaceful full night's sleep.

What a different perspective rest creates.

Shelley Hendrix Reynolds, You are MY HERO

"Everyone should be allowed a pity party when a storm hits. You have to get it out of your system -- whether that is by talking. Guilty. Throwing up. Guilty. Crying. Guilty. Screaming. Guilty. Being angry. Guilty again. But after all your tantruming, in the end, you can either wallow in it or get out of it." - (excerpted from an article by Shelley Hendrix Reynolds)

This is undoubtedly one of the best and inspiring articles I have ever read. It's called, "Navigating the Cone of Uncertainty," (a Hurricane metaphor for autism),and it's in the Huffington Post. A friend sent me the link, and, well, if you read my last post, you will see why I needed to read this today.

It's a little lengthy, but oh so worth it. I'm telling you. It's perfect. It really moved me and gave me H O P E. I know it will for you, too.

And, I had no idea that Baton Rouge was wiped out by Gustav, did you??

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shelley-hendrix-reynolds/navigating-the-cone-of-un_b_129266.html

Tomorrow is Another Day

Many thanks to Drama Mama today for nailing on the head what I have been going through for the past five years. What would I do without my blogger friends?

I've said that there are bad days and there are good days and you just kind of ride the wave. But, I don't always ride the waves well or with grace. I usually have a few fear thoughts crop up like weeds when I'm particularly vulnerable, when I'm tired which is most of the time, or hormonal which is some of the time.

The thing is, I think about my son 24/7. His autism is always in the background. He has some very odd mannerisms that have popped up over the last week (in the middle of some "good" behaviors). Lots of visual stimming, unusual arm movements, and lately, God-awful ear sensitivity. He could not get off the bus on Friday because he refused to take his hands from his ears. He dove for me from the third step of the bus crying. I've never seen him like this.

I cannot count on a full night's sleep anymore because invariably somewhere in the middle of the night or morning, the screeching begins. Actually, it's more like a squawk. It happened this morning and I went to check on him and all he did was throw an arm around my neck, so I thought he was dreaming. It happened an hour later, so I staggered in there to see what was going on - same thing. Checked the pull-up to see if he was wet or something but he wasn't.

I have the thought that he is detoxifying. I took him to an herbalist and did some muscle testing and we saw a difference in him immediately when we changed the probiotic and added in some other things for his gut. But, I get a little tired of hearing phrases like "it's a healing episode," or that when they are getting better, they are "more autistic." Some days I want to say, oh pleeezz shut up. And, maybe they're right, but I don't know. How do I know if it's a healing episode or he's sliding deeper into autism?

Around 7:30 AM, he is wide awake dragging his two pillows into bed with me. I finally just got up and slugged down some coffee and watched Sunday Morning. I realized it was awfully quiet in his room and he had fallen asleep again and did not get up until 12:30 PM. I scurried back to bed to get some shut-eye, but all I got was a bunch of random thoughts that tumbled through space. Weird stuff from my childhood.

I'm stressed.

My son does not speak. He makes all kinds of noises. He has said a few words here and there. I try to accept the fact that he may never speak, but if he does not pick up signs faster...if he does not make eye contact to pick up the signs...what then? When other little kids his age are learning their numbers and letters, what is my son learning? How will he ever catch up? This is where my mind goes in the wee hours of the morning.

The bottom line for me is not will he do well socially, or how will autism ultimately affect his life, etc. It is the fact that I don't know my son. I have an idea of him, of his spirit and I can see what some of his likes and dislikes are by the way he reacts. But, I don't know if he has a favorite color. I don't know what he thinks about when he watches DVD or flips through a book. He's been on the earth for six years and I don't know my son. I've never heard him say I love you. I've never heard, "Mommy, I want..." Just a hand dragging me somewhere.

That's my heartache.

Alright, so spiritually speaking, maybe he did come in this way, knew this would happen and my soul knew it too. Even placating myself with this idea that somehow everything that has happened was meant to be doesn't take away the fact that I miss my son.

He's here physically but I'm lonely for him. It's like he's got one foot in this world and one in another one where I can't join him. Duh. I know, that's autism.

I am sure that one of the reasons I'm feeling particularly blue lately is because last week a little five-year-old boy much like Liberty, whose mom had a blog just like mine and who did all kinds of biomed stuff with him and chronicled his progress like I do almost each day...was run over in his driveway and killed. That woman has been in my prayers each day and night. I didn't know her personally, but I KNOW her. I can't go to the funeral, it would rip me apart.

I've hugged my son tighter, and I am so vigilant about his whereabouts outside. We don't live on a busy street, but there was a time a year ago he got outside and ran all the way down the street where there was an intersection. I've never run so hard and so fast in my life. The vigilance is always right there, like a panther breathing down my neck, "watch out."

I know what that woman would say to me after reading my above statement. "At least you still have your son with you." It's true. I don't understand what's going on with him. I might not ever really get it. But, he's here with me and I love him deeply.

So, to paraphrase what my friend said, I guess all I can do is be happy when the good things happen and try to do the best I can to get through the rough times. Because there is always ebb and flow, in all things. You can see from my previous posts that we have had some great things happen, like great teachers and great days, and then some other days where I'm scraping crap off the walls and falling into bed each night. Lib was doing so well that I even felt a little bit of the load lighten up, enough for me to post about the odd feelings that were released and my blogger friend Carrie remarked that I am experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder. I never thought of it like that, but it rings true.

I usually keep all of these down feelings in check by appreciating what I have. I kind of lost it this past week. That's why I haven't posted. I was afraid someone would accuse me of my blog being "such a downer" again. God. Forbid.

I guess I'm only human.

Just in Case You Missed Funny Cloris

It's a wonder I can get any work done at all...

How can this be 22 years ago?

My mid-life "crisis" or PTSD or whatever thing I'm going through often makes me think of the past - perhaps when there were not so many responsibilities. But, I really want to go back to 1976 - 32 years ago. It seems impossible that it was that many years ago. Time is faster now, slower then.

This song's for my old, dear friend in Florida. You know who you are.

Grace

I just returned from a meeting with Lib's teacher. My sister went along with me. It was the best meeting I have ever had regarding Liberty and his needs. I just wanted to find out what I can do at home to support what she is doing in the classroom. I came home with a great plan --- suggestions for what I can do at home that won't exhaust me or overstimulate Lib, and a list of signs we both agreed that need to be accomplished. I really love her method of teaching.

Here's the best part: When I asked her if I need to get an ABA therapist in my house a few times per week, she said, "No. He is getting it all day long, one-on-one with us. He gets ABA therapy five days a week. A kid needs to be a kid, too."

I about fell out of my chair. He's getting ABA therapy five days a week (she is an almost board-certified ABA therapist). My God, this is almost like camp was for six weeks this summer and it's not costing me $35 an hour.

She said all I needed to do was the little home program I am going to put together. She doesn't want me to be a therapist at home. Learning is supposed to be fun, she said. We can organize small sessions at home in the name of fun with plenty of opportunities for him to learn to sign. And I can still cook dinner and do what I have to do.

She also said he needs huge amounts of vestibular input: Swinging, running, bouncing on the trampoline, riding his bike, etc. I have seen this since his diagnosis. The first OT that ever came to our house would bounce him on the trampoline, hold him by his ankles and walk around, then tickle him on the couch. Right after that, she immediately sat him down and he performed tasks. He did beautifully every time.

He is now almost 50 lbs. I can't hold him upside down, but his father can. So I have to find ways to give him this stimulating input. He becomes more alert when he engages in lots of physical activity. Therapists say he becomes more aware of where he is in space.

Everything at our meeting was so clear, straight to the point, and upbeat. My sister LOVED her. She said my son is in the best possible hands. And, she should know, she worked in special education for 30 years. So, now my family, finally, after the last few years has a much better idea of how to communicate with Liberty.

Most meetings I walk away feeling down. This one, I walked away hopeful. She really loves my son and she has designed the best possible way to encourage him to come out of himself, to interact, and express himself.

Ironically, this is the same teacher I did not like about a year ago when I was going to hire her to do therapy in my home because she said PECS (picture exchange system) was not a good option for my son. The last school he attended and the therapists there insisted on this method of communication as being the right one and told me she was not a "team player" and that she didn't know what she was doing. I listened to them. What did I know?

Never judge. That's all I'm saying. She knew what she was doing all along and I didn't. But, by the grace of God, we got moved to her school and put under her care this year.

Before school began, and before I knew she would be teaching Lib this year, I ran into her in the grocery store. She saw Lib and she bent down and held out her arms and he ran to her and gave her a big hug and a kiss. That's when I knew that she would be his teacher --- long before I got the assignment in the mail. That's the way the Universe works. It was telling me that she was a good match for him all along. To let go. It would be okay.

We are so blessed.

I'm floating on air today.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I have been gently reminded again, that I have been so focused on Liberty and his well-being, that I often forget about my own.

Well, six years is a long time to let self-care lapse.

I had a strange day yesterday. I awoke feeling pretty good. We have gotten a nice change in the weather here and so I walked one and a half miles yesterday morning. I did some yoga. I meditated. It was lovely. I felt great for the first time in a very long while. Then, the day got strange. I began to feel anxious. I became emotional. I cried while watching Avalon on HBO and folding laundry. I cried over other people's blogs. I kept thinking, "What happened to me?"

Then my loving sister told me that, when we have been under a strain like I have for so long and we see a little bit of blue sky, when the load lifts a little bit, we begin to unleash the frustrations and feelings from it all. She said it's a process that could last awhile. That made sense to me.

Yes, it's really been an ordeal. Is it over? By no means. But, I AM getting some relief now. Liberty is much better, he's on a good road. He is making gains each day. He is happy. He is very healthy in most regards. He is in school, so I am getting a bit of a break, even though I do work at home and stay busy just keeping up with our life but I don't have him 24/7 each day.

He has changed since I last posted only three days ago. I started giving him a natural supplement his doctor recommended to see if some of the stimming behavior goes down. It is beginning to work wonders. He is calmer. He went to sleep at 8 PM last night finally. He slept all the way through the night. His eye contact is improved. He is pretend playing with his little people and horses, etc.

I still have my head full of Liberty -

What to feed him?- he has fallen into an eating pattern that does not include the variety of food he started eating last year and that has created the problems he is experiencing of constipation. He is picky about textures. It makes it hard to come up with new food items for him. This is always running in the back of my brain. Not to mention finding the time to try recipes that wonderful people have sent me.

He needs to learn more signs because suddenly he is using the sign for "pretzel" for everything. He needs more words so he can express himself. What I can do at home to support what they are doing in school, getting someone in my house - all on my mind.

And, we have eventual appointments for occupational and speech therapy, developmental eye doctor, possible ABA therapist, a new pediatrician/DAN doctor in our town, an herbalist, the teacher, etc. So my plate is still full. Very full.

Add in financial strain and lack of sleep and good nutrition and I guess you have a recipe for disaster! Perhaps I can see it as amazing at all that I have made it this far and this intact. This journey has been recorded in my body, my face. I've aged.

But, my sister is right, there is a little more hope, a little more of the door open for me to take care of myself.

I have to get a root canal next week. I've put it off for three months by doing pranic healing on myself while I try to come up with the money. It's just something that has to be done since I did not take care of my teeth like I should have when Lib came along.

So, I guess I need to allow my self to let the tears fall when they come and realize that I am also undergoing a process of recovery myself. I just want to feel like "me" again. And, even that doesn't happen overnight. It feels like it's a letting go a little at a time of all of the "stuff" I've accumulated since Lib's diagnosis.

And, speaking of stuff, since I have done a lot of clearing out around the house, getting rid of the old and outdated, the no longer needed and re-organizing things, I think that perhaps this has started a process of change within me, as well. In fact, I'm sure of it. This makes me rather happy.

I am ready for something new...a new vibration, a new tune to dance to. Fresh energy, fresh thoughts.

Who knows what will happen when I clean out my car?

Learning to Surf

Every now and then I go through some sort of phase with Liberty. I never can see it coming. It just sort of begins to appear and establishes a pattern that we endure anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. You think I'd feel the ground twitch or the faint honk of a horn as the freight train approaches.

But no.

Libby came home from school on Friday with a sniffle that looked like it would turn into a bad cold. Luckily, I gave him some of what I call our "magic" potions his doctor gave us, and it nipped the cold in the bud by morning. But, along with this cold, he has had a few loose stools that has made it even more interesting, as he just takes his underwear off anywhere he happens to be.

And, you know THE MOMENT I turn my back something happens --

Little brown hands.
A flash of a streaker out of the corner of my eye.

Needless to say, I have LOTS of laundry going constantly.

To say that I am beat is an understatement. Weary or maybe world-worn is a little more like it.

Lib also took an interest in the bathroom cabinet items again. He enjoys removing everything and inspecting it for size, shape and color, then he arranges it all in various places throughout the house.

I had to go on a scavenger hunt for my lipstick and eyeliner the other day in my own hallway. Suddenly, the most used phrases in our house are "Have you seen...?" and "I found it!"

We make him put everything back and play the "clean-up game," but eventually, there he is again, removing my shampoo from the bathroom, my husband's aftershave, etc. It's the never ending game. And there sit the Legos, the tools, the puzzles, the figurines, etc. unplayed with in his room. When he's got a good bottle of shampoo or a compact of powder, he's a happy little camper.

I bet you don't know what 300 Q-tips really look like. But I do! When they are spread out individually across the floor, boy howdy, that's a lot of Q-tips!

And it's amazing how many tissues there really are in one of those cute little boxes of Kleenex. He must have had an absent-minded ball removing each one and throwing them over his shoulder as he watched a video. We stuffed them back in, and by God, he uses them to wipe his nose! A minor miracle.

To top it all off, I made the mistake of offering him one of his little people to play with in his bath the other day. Instantly, you could see the light bulb go off in his little brain. Quick as a flash he was up out of the tub and rounding up ALL of his little people and figurines, etc. So, now the shower phase is over because he likes to bathe with his STUFF.

And, for some reason, after doing so well with potty training, he is suddenly removing his pants and having accidents. Is this normal? It's like he does not want to stop what he is doing to have to go that pesky old bathroom. What gives?

I am coping only because I have another really good book going (The Love Season by Elin Hilderbrand). Thank you, God.

Oh---and the spitting skill is growing strong. He understands that it is not cool to spit down the front of your shirt. He gets that he must go outside to spit, but lately, he has found that he can spit in the toilet. This is not all bad because one day, I found that he had stripped down to nothing and was standing at the potty spitting into the toilet when suddenly, he began to urinate in the toilet standing up. It surprised even him. It had never occured to him that he could stand up while going to the potty. He looked over at me and smiled.

In the middle of it all, he is learning about his world, his body. Soon, this phase will be over and another one will take its place.

It's ebb and flow. Big waves and little waves.

I'm learning to surf.

If I can just hang 10 a little longer...

By the way, I welcome all good book and movie recommendations.

For You, Dad - One Ringy Dingy

Sleeping Cherub

The Five Rules of Happiness

1. If you like a thing, enjoy it.

2. If you don't like a thing, avoid it.

3. If you don't like a thing and you cannot avoid it, change it.

4. If you don't like a thing and you cannot avoid it and you cannot or will not change it, accept it.

5. You accept a thing by changing your viewpoint of it.


by Burt Goldman, instructor of The Silva Method

At Home in Mitford

Unbelievably, I haven't had much time to blog since we have been so busy lately, taking Liberty to therapy after he gets off the bus, getting his hair cut finally, blood tests, etc. But, I have done some cleaning out around here and I'm not done yet. I'm on a determined tear to get all in order and do some space clearing.

While dusting off my bookshelves, I came across my beloved Mitford series. If you have not experiened Jan Karon's At Home in Mitford books, you have missed out on food for your soul, my friends. When I was expecting Liberty, I wanted to stay focused and serene as I had had a miscarriage before him, and everything and everyone scared me. So, I delved into the entire Mitford series (over five books) and it saw me through. It kept my head in the right place. I laughed out loud and cried along with the people of this little mountain town. It was nourishing.

The setting for the story takes place in a town such as Blowing Rock, North Carolina (where Jan Karon is from) and it centers around Father Tim, a single sixty-something Episcopalian priest. The book is hilarious as you follow him through his encounters with his parrish and his evolving love story with his next door neighbor who writes children's books. The characters are unforgetable, and there is much wisdom to be gleaned between these pages. It is definitely a spiritual experience. It's one of those books that you put down a moment while reading, and think about what was just said, applying an idea to your own life...or you just put down so you can go get that box of Kleenex and weep awhile before moving onto the next chapter.

You can read an excerpt here.

I even have the companion cookbook and kitchen reader which is wonderful, as all of her books describe the food the residents of the town cook and bring to all of their events! You will be up and making homemade pies and macaroni and cheese in no time.

You might want to take up a sport while reading these books just to keep your weight in check.

Jan Karon's books are like comfort food - they are soothing to the soul and uplifting to the Spirit!

It's That Time of Year

Politics, ugh!

Space Clearing and Feng Shui

Check out Karen Kingston's website. She is the guru of Feng Shui for all types of dwellings. Clearing clutter is a great way to bring in fresh new energy, and this time of year is a great time to do it.

For some reason, Liberty is learning to spit and spit well. He gets a cup, goes to the refrigerator, fills it with water from the door and then goes outside and engages in a full spitting ritual all down the front of his shirt and pants. He comes back in, refills the cup, heads back outside and continues until his clothes are soaked through. To say that this boy has a fascination with water is an understatement. Maybe it is more of a kinship.

At least he learned not to spit in the house. Impressive.

Lib had a great first day back and I spent the morning getting my life back in order. This afternoon he is getting the long overdue haircut I am gearing up for as I write this.

The days are already getting shorter and autumn is now in full swing.

Time to sweep the hearth.

They don't call it Labor Day for nothing

1) Get up late after Lib was up at 2 and 4; realize storm was not bad.
2) Make pancakes and bacon and a gallon of coffee.
3) Make chili to freeze for Lib for school lunches.
4) Make spaghetti to freeze for Lib for school lunches.
5) Can't find the damned gluten free Italian bread crumbs I made for the meatballs, so have to improvise. Apparently out of gluten free bread.
6) Begin graham crackers, realize out of gluten free flour.
7) Begin gf/cf cookies, realize out of eggs.
8) Send husband to store. Publix just opened and they know us personally already.
9) Wash and fold all 18 loads of laundry.
10) Throw out unidentifiable items in fridge/freezer.
11) Liberty bored out of his skull - every item in our bathroom lined up down the hallway.
12) Every toy in Lib's room played with, strewn everywhere.
13) See child start to wipe something on walls...

14) Put on Patsy Cline and make baked beans while Lib dances in the living room and I belt out "Crazy" and "I Fall to Pieces..."

It's 3 PM. I have not even made it to the shower yet and I'm only halfway down my list.

My bright spot at the end of the tunnel: The bus comes tomorrow morning at 7:30 AM.

We'll be ready and waiting.

's All I'm Saying...

The Eagle Has Landed!

I am standing at the hall closet getting out some towels. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Liberty brush past me and into the bathroom. He has his headphones on, a t-shirt and Spiderman underwear. I watch as he sits on the potty, pulls his pants down and not off, urinates, and pulls pants back up. I almost say, "Remember to flush..." but he beats me to it, turns around, high fives me, and runs back into his room to finish watching The Wiggles.

And, that apparently, is how milestones get reached. No fanfare, no trophies, no jumping up and down. Lib acted as if he'd been doing this for years. A switch went on and stayed on. Something somewhere synapsed.

I just stood in the middle of the hall with my mouth open.

And then I thanked God. Profusely.

How to be inspired to write...

Go Away Gustav

WANTED: Nice corner of the world to live in. Must have great services for autism and affordable homes. Must be far away from the path of any hurricanes as possible but not so far north as to get snowed in most of the year. It would be a bonus to not be in a tornado alley. While it would be lovely to live near water, would like to live nowhere near a flood plain. It would be extra nice to be in a community that supports locally grown food and organic products and is far away from any coal-burning plants or Superfund sites.

I am either:

a. Looking for the yellow brick road to Emerald City.
b. Sick to death of dogding hurricanes.
c. Tired of having Labor Day ruined by making "exit" plans.
d. ALL OF THE ABOVE.

On His Own

- Going into the bathroom and using the potty.
- Using a spoon by himself to eat the (previously dreaded) applesauce and pot roast.
- Following directions.
- Loving his new auditory CD for social/emotional/V O C A L support and saying almost sentences.
- Insisting on using a regular cup to drink from, filling it from the refrigerator door with no accidents (or naughtiness a.k.a. flooding the kitchen).
- Cleaning up any accidents of any kind.
- Putting away his toys and trash.
- Hanging up his backpack at school.
- Waving bye-bye and hello.

and it's only the 2nd week of school...

What a great start! The only pull-ups I buy now are the nighttime ones and they last at least a month.

You were right, Carrie. It does get better. :)

The Hope Rises Again

A Good Mantra

"There is nothing for you to go back and live over, or fix, or feel regret about now. Every part of your life has unfolded just right. And so --now -- knowing all that you know from where you now stand, now what do you want? The answers are now coming forth to you. "

"Go forth in joy, and get on with it. "

(quoted from Jerry and Esther Hicks and Abraham)

Liberty Report a.k.a. Film at Eleven

This past weekend has been so crazy weather-wise. The Weather Channel was wrong, predicting we would get rain in "biblical proportions." They actually said that.

Unfortunately, the rest of Florida and Alabama have gotten inundated with rain. I think Tallahassee, Florida got 22 inches of rain in one day! We got our supplies on Friday, cooked, and hunkered down to get through the weekend with predicted power outages and the possibility of the schools closing on Monday. The weather stations continued to predict the torrential rain and high winds up through Saturday night. Thankfully, all we got was a steady sprinkle of rain. Sunday turned out to be absolutely beautiful with the sun shining and a little wind. People with cabin fever burst out of their houses on Sunday to get out and circulate.

So, we had a very normal day yesterday, only to awaken this morning to tornado warnings and a report of nearby Mobile, Alabama receiving torrential rains during the night. Again, we seemed to only get the eye wall of this thing.

It's blustery, dark and overcast this morning with a tropically warm feel. It's lovely, actually. We need days like this to punctuate the monotony of the long late summer days here.

The weather predictions being so "off" reminded me of the way I am constantly in a position of theorizing about Liberty's experience. Because my son is not speaking yet, one can interpret his actions, verbal and nonverbal, 'til the cows come home, as they say.

Therefore, if my daily theories about Lib were put in the form of a weather report, it would probably go something like this:

Due to the MB12 shot yesterday, we are expecting clearer thinking and good eye contact, with few tantrums and possibly some puzzling unpredictable behavior. Since soy was given in the past three days, it is possible to expect a "bathroom event." A summery mix of squawking like a parrot and throwing items across the room may occur at times, followed by interludes of calm and quiet concentration when the therapeutic listening is employed. With conditions such as they are with the influx of new supplements, continued normal biological growth, and a sudden bout of willfulness, be prepared for any and all types of behavior patterns uncharacteristic for this time of year.

And, tune in tomorrow where I will be wrong again.

Film at 11, as they say.

Sent from Heaven

I use a lot of "props" to help me cope with stress - and that would be specifically books, movies, puzzles, crafts, etc. and MUSIC. My latest obsession.

Nature heals

The fairies dance..

When was the last time you laid in the thick, green grass and did some cloud watching? Me too, until today.

For Susan with Love

Seminole Wind

Ever since the days of old,
Men would search for wealth untold.
They'd dig for silver and for gold,
And leave the empty holes.
And way down south in the Everglades,
Where the black water rolls and the saw grass waves.
The eagles fly and the otters play,
In the land of the Seminole.

So blow, blow Seminole wind,
Blow like you're never gonna blow again.
I'm calling to you like a long lost friend,
But I know who you are.
And blow, blow from the Okeechobee,
All the way up to Micanopy.
Blow across the home of the Seminole,
The alligators and the garr.

Progress came and took its toll,
And in the name of flood control,
They made their plans and they drained the land,
Now the glades are going dry.
And the last time I walked in the swamp,
I sat upon a Cypress stump,
I listened close and I heard the ghost,
Of Osceola cry.

So blow, blow Seminole wind,
Blow like you're never gonna blow again.
I'm calling to you like a long lost friend
But I know who you are.
And blow, blow from the Okeechobee,
All the way up to Micanopy.
Blow across the home of the Seminole,
The alligators and the garr.

Nostalgia has it limits

It wasn't all good in the "good old days." Anyone remember this? I didn't.

School Daze

The school season started for us yesterday morning when the brand new bus pulled up curbside. These buses look like real charter buses and the backs of the seats are so high. The staff in charge of transportation won't provide a booster seat for Lib or let us get our own, so he cannot see out the window and we cannot wave good-bye to him. I'm none too thrilled with that, but he seemed to be okay with it yesterday; at least we were told he did well on the bus ride.

Since there were massive budget cuts this year, the start and end times for school have changed and everyone is disoriented. Lib has a rather long day, leaving around 7:30 and not getting home until around 3:15. Some kids don't get home until after 4:00, which seems absurd to me, but the buses have to be staggered since there are not enough of them to pick up the kids at the same time.

To add insult to injury, the teacher's budget for the entire year for the entire class is $200! It's laughable. So, we are looking for grants and asking for sponsors for Lib's classroom this year.

I hope that Lib's sleep schedule straightens out after this week. He is so wiped out that he takes a nap when he gets home, but only after he has a snack. He slept from 5 to 7 last night and was up until midnight. It's hard to prevent him from falling asleep and hard to wake him from a nap when he is so utterly exhausted.

So, we are a little dazed and confused right now, but nothing out of the ordinary! Soon, it will become routine and we will be in a comfortable groove once again.

A note of gratitude: Tropical Storm/Hurricane Fay spared our Gulf Coast this time.

No Child Left Inside

I have fond memories of being a kid and running wild in the summers. I mean, being let loose on our own, me and my best friend and our dogs, until we were called home by the street lights or a cow bell ringing. We had neighborhood games of kickball, red rover, hide and seek, swinging statues, volleyball, and badminton. We had no air conditioning in East Tennessee in those early days of the sixties, and we'd come inside panting from playing hard and drinking glasses of water from the tap that tasted so sweet. You'd only cool off after taking a bath and putting on pajamas and hanging out in front of the old fans that swung lazily back and forth throughout the night. We slept with our windows open. We knew the smell of fresh air. We were close to the earth.

These days, we are used to artificial environments and wonder at the smell of damp earth and fresh breezes when we throw our windows open in the Spring and Fall. I love the smell of my son's hair when he comes in from playing out in the yard. Such a striking difference from being inside all day.

Though I am not truly complaining about modern conveniences (we like our air conditioning in Florida where the temps reach in the 100s in the summer), I do believe as children we have lost the connection to nature that many of us older generations had when we were kids.

My older sisters speak of being free to roam all over the air force base when they were kids and my father was a pilot. I often wonder what it's like for children now who are constantly supervised, who have not known the excitement of planning adventures each day around the neighborhood, building forts (in my generation, it was secret hideouts), and climbing trees. We were shooed out of the house on beautiful days. Only rainy days were saved for plopping in front of the TV and watching cartoons.

When I was in fifth grade, my entire class went on a field trip up to the Blue Ridge Mountains which were not that far away from our city. We were away from home for one solid week. We divided into "teams" and did all of our learning outside. We were given journals and were required to remain completely silent for at least 30 minutes to one hour each day. We all had our own large river rocks to sit on during this meditation time that we chose ourselves in the middle of a beautiful running stream that meandered through the middle of camp.

I will never forget that experience.

There is an organization called No Child Left Inside that has been created to allow children to reconnect with Nature as their natural classroom, and to understand the importance of their role in helping preserve it and to foster a love for it. Thought you might want to have a look.

Get 'Em Outside Video

Four More Days...

...until school starts. Hallelujah! I love my boy and everything, but okay...he needs the structured environment and I need the T. I. M. E. to myself. And to be able to work and make more than 5 cents.

It's coming, I know it. Lib has made profound changes this summer. I am grateful for it all.

Yesterday, he tested the limits though. He just could not leave the water in the refrigerator door alone. I can't tell you how many towels we went through. I can now say, "Clean it up!" and he gets a towel on his own and cleans it all up. Also, he likes to take his sippy cup and spit the cold water all down his chest, then try to get ME to take his wet shirt off.

These things happen in the blink of an eye. I take a phone call. I walk to the laundry room. I check an email. It's so fast. I turn around and there he is soaking wet, AGAIN.

He's just plain bored.

But, he's eating better, he's signing, he's going to the potty, he's understanding so much more.

He's ready. And so am I!

A sweet good-bye to the last days of summer. Bring on Autumn!

The Work

Are you guys familiar with these interviews by Oprah on XM radio? They are also on her website. You can use the drop down list to listen to some fascinating people. One of my favorite teachers and incredibly interesting person is Byron Katie. What she calls "The Work," has helped me untangle many uncomfortable feelings, especially in regard to my son's issues.

Check out Oprah's Soul Series.

Rainy Days and Mondays

Nothing like playing in the cool, gentle rain and taking a nice hot shower afterward! Yes, showers are Lib's new thing. No baths for this boy.

Be in the World, Not of It

Angry and frustrated again, I remembered these words this morning that are attributed to Jesus.

This morning, I had an onslaught of emails mainly from a yahoo group about the dangers of a carcinogen produced in potatoes at high temperatures and Kettle Chips seemed to be the worst offender. The ones that looked the most healthy. The ones my son loves to pieces.

I really have finally had enough.

There are many, many benefits to the Internet, don't get me wrong. I've done lots of searching on Google, made many online friends, had access to chat groups and newsletters, and lots of online ordering - my favorite being Amazon.

B U T

I have also invited a lot of unwanted vibrations into my life, mainly of the fear-producing kind.

Each and every day, I hear about the dangers of this, the carcinogen in that, and how our food supply is being poisoned, etc. While I do not want to bury my head in the sand, honestly, folks, I was a much calmer, happier person when I relied strictly on my own internal compass about what was best for me and my family's health. The constant bombardment of what we classify as "information" is beginning to be detrimental to my health.

I spoke with my sister about this today and we agreed that we need to have a certain amount of discernment about what to listen to, what to watch, who to believe, and that discernment has to come from within ourselves.

I believe we are living in a world now that requires us to rely increasingly on our own internal compass, our own intuition to live the best life that we can. We just can no longer rely on the media to represent the truth. That is Old World thinking.

What crossed my mind this morning are the folks who smoke and live to be 100, or the ones who are addicted to say, Tootsie Rolls, who never develop diabetes or obesity. You know what I'm talking about. We are all put together differently, and what we think about, what our disposition is to Life really determines the quality of it. Period.

There is no cookie-cutter, one-size-fits-all approach for all of us. What we think about every day and how we ALLOW ourselves to feel matters to our health, too.

So, whether or not some food is good for us or not, I just really don't know. I don't have access to the actual research that some claims are purported to be based on. Think about these tidbits of information we get on the national news, "studies show..." What studies? We are never told where most of this comes from unless we sit and Google for hours.

Meanwhile, my life is waiting...

I was happier when I lived my life without the bombardment of so much information, most of which is negative!

In a similar vein, my sisters and I were discussing how much fun it was as children to sit on the floor of our parent's home and flip through the Encyclopedia Britannica. I remember I loved the sections on dogs of the world, and costumes and dress the best. When we wanted information, we went to books. Our minds focused on one thing at a time.

Now, all we have to do is Google a word and we get 500,000 pieces of information returned. This is too much for our brains, I feel. It's ridiculous. We don't even know what the best piece of information is, unless we rely on the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button. Can you get how insane that feels?

The bottom line for me now is, I have to wind my way through all of this information now, deciding what I will listen to, what I will "plug into," and what I will discard. Separate the chaff from the wheat. And, all the while, setting the deliberate intention to feel good, to find things to appreciate, taking into consideration that an integral part of my health is the way I am thinking about it right now.

Yes, sometimes the world is way too much with me. But, I have the remote. I can choose a different channel.

What She Said

My friend Michelle has said beautifully what I have been feeling for a good while now. I have gotten so much mail - some saying how dare you think I need to recover my child - some saying I'm not doing biomed enough or right!

So, today, I let Michelle be my voice.

Go!

It is very interesting to me how Liberty has gotten the idea behind the sign "go" and it's various meanings and applications.

Imagine this: The sign for go is to roll your hands and arms around each other, like when you do the pattycake song.

When Lib really wants to go elsewhere badly, he does a BIG ROLL of the hands, like the robot in Lost in Space - "Danger, Danger Will Robinson!" The more he has to wait on me, like when I am talking to a teacher, the bigger the roll of the hands. It's so cute, we just all crack up.

When he wants the car to go after we stop, obviously, he signs "go." That's normal.

But, if I point to, say a bag of pretzels, and ask if he wants one, he signs, "Go!" In other words, in this case "go" means "Yes! Do that, keep going and unzip that bag and give one to me."

The funniest thing I've seen is when he's sitting on the potty waiting for his stream to start, and in the meantime, he signs "go" to himself! A little self-encouragement never hurt anybody.

Think about how we use the word go, even in slang, "And, then she goes...then he goes..." meaning "says" but it seems so natural to say "go."

Also, he has learned that when he wants me to leave the room he signs "go" and then waves me away, for "go away!"

I just wonder at the process of language and how Lib can use his hands and make one sign and realize it has many meanings that were not taught to him.

I really get now that he has language but not speech. Yet.

So much remains to be seen.

I'm a Believer

Well, it's been four days since I took Liberty off of casein; specifically milk-based yogurt. I have not seen one episode like the ones I was witnessing that looked like some type of seizure or brain blip. KNOCK ON WOOD.

Also, I just realized Lib is probably going through a type of opiate withdrawal since he has had a few interesting fits "out of the blue."

Here's a refresher on how gluten and casein proteins can affect brain function:

"...a note on the opiate receptors from Great Plains Laboratory:

The peptides from gluten [gliadorphin] and casein [casomorphin] are important because they react with opiate receptors in the brain, thus mimicking the effects of opiate drugs like heroin and morphine. These compounds have been shown to react with areas of the brain such as the temporal lobes, which are involved in speech and auditory integration.

Children with autism frequently seem addicted to wheat and dairy products. Presumably, people with Autism and schizophrenia incompletely digest wheat and dairy products. These incompletely digested peptides are then absorbed into the body and bind to opiate receptors, altering behavior and other physiological reactions."

I first placed Liberty on a gluten free/casein-free diet May 7, 2007. It was around the end of April of this year that I began to re-introduce the yogurt into his diet and I really did not see much in the way of reaction. I thought I was safe because I was also giving him an enzyme to help digest the food. But, apparently, the casein can have a cumulative effect. So says Dr. Bock. His words, "You'd be surprised at how nasty casein protein can be."

Well, we will see. I am hoping this is it so we won't have to go on an anti-seizure medication, especially since we were unable to obtain an EEG. And, he seems so much more with it, especially today on his first day back to OT and Speech. And, wouldn't it be nice if it was something SIMPLE for a change?

My blogger friend Robin has been so gracious in helping me collect GF/CF recipes to try.

If anyone has any great tried-and-true meals, send 'em my way, okay? Thanks and I'll be happy to return the favor with my tasty but extremely limited repertoire of gf/cf foods.

How I keep my sanity

We're Okay

Lib has recovered from his ordeal. It took a long time for the Benadryl + chloral hydrate combination to wear off.

In the meantime, I am sitting here waiting for his doctor to call for our follow-up phone appointment, and he is in his room quietly dismantling it.

Liberty has developed a sudden penchant for showers. No baths.

He loves Herb Alpert.

He loves Mr. Potato Head and he goes around with Mr. Potato Head's sunglasses trying them on all of his stuffed animal friends. This is new. He suddenly knows his body parts.

And, Kettle Chips are the bee's rollerskates.

At least for today. Maybe for three days. Then he will be onto something else.

I am disoriented today without camp, being in between school, and the solar eclipse.

More later, but thanks for all of your support and concern and general good energy that came our way. I can always count on it and I appreciate it so much.

LOVE.