Love Is

Liberty

Emerging

This is a post I have been wanting to write for a very long time.

My son is finally emerging from his chrysalis.

I think that it is easy to judge and say that he is just now recovering because I see evidence of it, but the more likely reality is that it is has been happening all along, we just don't tend to believe something until we see it.

I cannot say for certain what the main catalyst has been, if there is one. We have done many things which I can list out, but in the end, Liberty's "becoming" is part of the Great Mystery.

We have a DAN! doctor. We have had him on various supplements. He has been on Diflucan for going on three months now to get rid of yeast. We know he had a bad yeast problem because the die-off symptoms were pretty bad, and because the cradle cap on his scalp is now finally resolving. I had no idea how long it takes to get rid of yeast.

We recently added spironolactone to reduce inflammation. I always start out giving my son a lower dose that what is prescribed simply because I don't know how he will react, and I can't take back something once I have given it to him.

Just about two weeks ago, we re-started therapeutic listening with a new occupational therapist who is the best he has ever had, and she started him on a different CD and has him do tasks to increase his focus and concentration.

In the last month, he has begun dressing himself, following commands, signing appropriately, beginning to say words, giving direct eye contact, and playing with age appropriate toys, engaging in pretend play, and is almost completely potty trained.

One month.

Last night, he became very angry with me when I told him he could not go outside at 8 PM - his bedtime. I showed him that it was night time and it was cold outside. This is Liberty's way of telling me that he needs to go to sleep. He loves to ride in the car, and I know that he thinks if he could just have a little ride before bedtime, he would fall asleep easily. It is also his way of fighting bedtime. He knows he is tired, but he just can't make himself get into bed.

After telling him no for the tenth time and signing no, I sat in the living room. He never took his eyes off of me, furrowed his brow, was clearly angry with me and got right up in my face. His look bored holes into my skull. I'm not kidding. Then, he tried to pinch my cheeks lightly, something he has never done, and made some kind of sound that let me know he was mad. I tapped his hands away from my face saying no, no that was not nice or some such thing, and his eyes widened in surprise, his mouth dropped open - clearly communicating to me his disbelief. "I cannot BELIEVE you won't get me what I want!" He never took his eyes off of me.

Now, I have to explain why this is a very big deal. Most of the time, Lib is looking somewhere else and he will just cry or fuss when I say no. But last night, Liberty's presence was unmistakable - it shown like a lamp around both of us. I was totally and completely stunned. He wound up kissing my face and hugging me and we walked together to his bedroom where he fell asleep almost immediately.

One month.

Perhaps part of his growth just kicked in, maybe something synapsed in his brain, a new connection made. Maybe the spironolactone did take some inflammation down.

I don't know. I will just keep doing what I do.

I asked the occupational therapist if she thought that Liberty was understanding more. She said she didn't know, that it did look like he was, but she said the bottom line was that she just acts as if he does and that I should, too.

This reminded me of the Pygmalion Effect; that is to say that expectation does influence outcome. I feel that if I hold positive expectation of what my son can do, it creates the space for him to be able to do it.

Let's just say there is a huge space around my son right now, open for miracles.

Voices of the Angels?

All I can say is turn up your speakers.

Exciting News....Why We Love Dr. Bock!

Dr. Bock has just launched his 4-A Healing Foundation. The website is still under construction, but the purpose of the foundation is to give grants to families to help pay for biomedical treatment, train doctors in the 4-A Healing Program that Dr. Bock uses, and to fund research for biomedical treatments for the 4-A disorders.

Here is the press release.

Here is the 4-A Healing Foundation website.

Vision

Monet Refuses the Operation

Doctor, you say that there are no haloes

around the street lights in Paris

and what I see is an aberration

caused by old age, an affliction.

I tell you it has taken me all my life

to arrive at the vision of gas lamps as angels,

to soften and blur and finally banish

the edges you regret I don't see,

to learn that the line I called the horizon

does not exist and sky and water,

so long apart, are the same state of being.

Fifty-four years before I could see

Rouen cathedral is built

of parallel shafts of sun,

and now you want to restore

my youthful errors: fixed

notions of top and bottom,

the illusion of three-dimensional space,

wisteria separate

from the bridge it covers.

What can I say to convince you

the Houses of Parliament dissolve

night after night to become

the fluid dream of the Thames?

I will not return to a universe

of objects that don't know each other,

as if islands were not the lost children

of one great continent. The world

is flux, and light becomes what it touches,

becomes water, lilies on water,

above and below water,

becomes lilac and mauve and yellow

and white and cerulean lamps,

small fists passing sunlight

so quickly to one another

that it would take long, streaming hair

inside my brush to catch it.

To paint the speed of light!

Our weighted shapes, these verticals,

burn to mix with air

and changes our bones, skin, clothes

to gases. Doctor,

if only you could see

how heaven pulls earth into its arms

and how infinitely the heart expands

to claim this world, blue vapor without end.

~ Lisel Mueller ~

(Sixty Years of American Poetry, The Academy of American Poets

Holding Pattern

We're still here. Liberty is doing well. We are going to try an anti-inflammatory next, spironolactone. Dr. Bock wanted him to be on Actos, a diabetic drug, but I was concerned about blood sugar levels.

Liberty was completely negative for PANDAS. We will re-test him again in a month if he still has OCD symptoms, but they seem to be lessening now. Even Dr. Bock said that you would be surprised how powerful therapeutic listening is, and so, we are watching Lib right now. The OT who oversees Liberty's listening program, thought that the symptoms we were attributing to PANDAS were actually side-effects of the listening program since Liberty had had a longer break than usual. I do remember the first break we took and he did a lot of side-looking and spinning. Then again, some symptoms could be attributed to the MB-12 shots that we started in January at the correct concentration.

Who knows? Watching and waiting, already turning our thoughts to summer camp and summer programs, and the good 'ole IEP coming up shortly.

Oh Joy.

The potty training is coming right along and he is dressing himself. This was not the case at all even three weeks ago!

Check out one of the supplements Dr. Bock is going to have Liberty try for inflammation.

It is called cercumin.

Fire Julie Gerberding of the CDC - Call the White House Monday

Below is Jenny McCarthy's letter posted on the Age of Autism. Go there to read the story with comments from readers.

03/07/2008
JENNY McCARTHY: JULIE GERBERDING MUST GO!
By Jenny McCarthy

I’m asking all parents and autism groups to join me in demanding Julie Gerberding’s immediate resignation as Director of the CDC.

On Monday, March 10th, beginning at 9:00am Eastern Daylight Time, let’s all start calling the White House and ask President Bush & Laura Bush to demand Julie Gerberding’s resignation for incompetence during the autism epidemic.

The White House switchboard can be reached at:
202-456-1414

Also, on the same day, please call your local Congressperson and Senators from your state and ask them to call for her resignation, too.

Julie Gerberding has led the CDC for 6 years during a time when the autism epidemic has only gotten worse. Despite tens of thousands of children who declined just like Hannah Poling, Ms. Gerberding stood before cameras yesterday defiant, cold, and defensive. Where is her humanity in the face of such tragedy? Why couldn’t she have said, “We at CDC want to make sure what happened to Hannah doesn’t happen to any other children, we want to make vaccines safe”?

Rather than listen to the heartbreaking stories of so many parents, you can be sure that Ms. Gerberding is spending her time right now trying to get the Spin Machine up and running to minimize, confuse, and deceive the American public.

The autism epidemic won’t end until we fix the vaccine schedule by reducing total vaccines, separating shots, waiting until our kids are older to begin shots, greening our vaccines, and screening for at-risk kids. Ms Gerberding has stood by and watched self-interested parties more than triple our vaccine schedule and I’m certain her inactivity to help our kids will continue.

The chances of Ms. Gerberding taking the radical steps to reform the CDC and reform our vaccine schedule to make it kid-safe are zero! We need a new CDC Director who is an open-minded reformer and who recognizes that we are experiencing an epidemic of autism, which Ms. Gerberding has never publicly admitted.

Please, parents and national autism organizations, let’s all help make our voices heard on Monday.


Thank you,

Jenny McCarthy


Jenny McCarthy is an actress, author and autism advocate

Bill Maher Anti-Pharma Rant

here

Thanks, Chris

I don't know if you caught Good Morning America today, but it was refreshing to say the least after Larry King's interview. Last night, it was as if the Polings had nothing to say.

This morning, however, Dr. Poling was very talkative. He spoke about the fact that thimerosol has been proven to cause mitochondrial disease. This is what the government has called Hannah's "pre-existing condition" which worsened with vaccines. I don't know who Dr. Zimmerman is, but Dr. Poling said they did research with his help.

He also stated that thimerosol was not taken out of the vaccines in 1999 as the CDC only recommended to do so and it was not mandatory. He stated that thimerosol was still in the vaccines through 2005. Of course, we know that thimerosol is still hanging around in the vaccines, but it was refreshing to finally here Dr. Poling and his wife say what they really felt and to be allowed to do so.

Mrs. Poling described her healthy daughter and the downward spiral of her health after the vaccines. She went into some detail about the symptoms displayed by her child. Why they did not speak out on Larry King is beyond me. It was a very strange show.

Anyway, I appreciate Good Morning America for airing the story this morning.

I need to let this all go today and move on. Everytime this issue raises its ugly head in the media, I get very depressed and angry all over again. Better to take my shot records and doctor notes to a lawyer and get on the list with all of the vaccine-injured kids instead of sitting around fuming every time this issues presents itself.

A Million or More of Hush Money?

Larry King Live tonight was dismal. There was the lawyer sitting next to the parents who basically said that they don't know what caused their child's autism, maybe it was the vaccines, but they thought people should still get get their children vaccinated. No mention by them of safe schedules, no mention by them of taking the crap out of the vaccines, no mention of ...anything. They seemed kind of drugged to me, almost as if they had nothing to say. And, that makes me suspicious.

They are interviewing the wrong doctors. The general public who has no association with any loved one with autism still has no idea what is really going on. Where is Dr. Bradstreet who has testified countless times in court. I know of one case where he did a spinal tap and the Measles virus was found. Where did they dig up these other doctors besides Gupta? Where is the DAN! point of view? The doctor who apparently believed in a link between vaccines and autism, really did not have much to say, either. In fact, he and the Polings themselves acted like they had undergone lobotomies right before the show aired.

I expected something radical, groundbreaking. This was just more of the same old tired statements. Same shit, different day.

Obviously the national media does not report what is really going on, and are hurting rather helping the autism community. I remember why I turned my TV off. I only tune in when other people call me and tell me something regarding vaccines or autism is going to be on. I think I will stop doing that. I need to preserve my energy for the care of my son. I have been bomarded with enough negative energy to last a lifetime.

Always when I spout off about the extra crap (antifreeze, MSG, etc.) that is now in the vaccines, people say they got vaccines when they were children and they turned out okay. This really burns me up because we know that the CDC has increased the amount of vaccines they give to a child, with the intention of helping the child. Why aren't the children who DIE within days of vaccines in the news? Did you know that the CDC calls these deaths SIDS-related?

Why don't we have the information placed side by side whenever someone brings up this issue. We have a list of current vaccination schedules and ingredients. Where are the ones from the other years? Why was that not presented? It never is. That is information I would want to know if I was a parent trying to make a decision about vaccines. Give me some facts, not that same pat answer by the CDC about studies showing there is no link.

Screw the studies and look at all of these kids! Something is terribly WRONG. Autism is an EPIDEMIC of untold proportions. It is becoming like AIDS which was ignored and discounted for years. I don't buy into the gene theory. There are too many children being diagnosed for genes to mutate that fast. This is environmentally related.

And, here we go again, allowing erroneous information to be broadcast by the media; that thimerosol has been taken out of the vaccines. It is not true. Just go on over to The Age of Autism and read up. No one apparently is overseeing the thimerosol amounts in the vaccines. It is put in and supposedly taken out...yet who oversees controls that? Do they know how much is left? The FDA says they don't. The CDC says they don't.

Doesn't it also seem counterintuitive to look at the all of the viruses being injected into a four-month old baby and think it's okay? The Poling's child had 9 injections in one day.

I can only hope we elect a president who will get something done about this and even then who knows how long it will take. Research should have been started a long time ago.

And, this crap about not being able to go to court after three years?

We need 1,000 Jenny McCarthys.

I'm just sick of the whole issue.

Vaccination Court Trial on Larry King Live

The child who suffered a regressive encephelopthy after her immunization will be on Larry King Live tonight. Check your local listings.

Here is the press release regarding this.

BREAKING NEWS
Landmark Federal Court Concession That Local Child From Atlanta Developed Autism From Vaccines

Child joins parents in press conference about this historic result at Atlanta Federal Court House tomorrow.

Local couple from Atlanta will join with their 9 year old daughter, Hannah, in a press conference discussing their daughter's development of autism as a result of vaccines. This landmark case alleged that autism was caused by childhood vaccines and was scheduled to be heard as a test case before the concession was made.

The press conference will be held tomorrow, Thursday, March 6, 2008 at 11:30 am on the steps of U.S. Federal courthouse at 75 Spring Street in Atlanta, Georgia.

The Centers For Disease Control have estimated that 1 in 166 children have autism, and many have linked the autism epidemic in this country to the mercury based preservative used in childhood vaccines.

Media: Contact Todd Scott 12-564-4692, 516-312-6573 cell Note: “Evidence of Harm” author and journalist David Kirby is available to comment on this breaking news: 718-230-4250 – www.evidenceofharm.


Also, if you want to read about more details of that case, here is the link:

MEDIA Autism Payout Reignites Vaccine Controversy
http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg19726464.100-autism-payout-reignites-vaccine-controversy.html

Children's Deaths - Vaccine Related?

The highlighted areas are all my emphasis. How can you inject so many viruses in a 4-month old infant? I feel lucky to even have my child still with me.

Spokane

Shot in the dark
Heartbroken woman wonders if vaccines killed her infant son

By JoNel Aleccia Staff writer December 23, 2007

Federal health officials are reviewing whether routine immunizations contributed to the deaths of as many as three North Idaho babies this fall, a spokesman for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said this week. The agency has requested autopsy reports and medical records for at least two children and could seek them for a third Kootenai County infant, all of whom died in September and October, apparently within days of receiving recommended vaccines. There's no clear link between the vaccines and the deaths, which were classified as Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, or SIDS, said Curtis Allen, a spokesman for the CDC. "There is nothing so far to indicate that there is a particular problem other than these children died in the same city," Allen said. But the mother of one of the children said it's no coincidence that her 4-month-old son died within days of receiving injections to prevent serious childhood illnesses, including diphtheria, tetanus, pertussis, hepatitis B, polio, rotavirus and invasive pneumococcal disease.

"My baby was so healthy," said Shelly Walker, 39,of Hayden. "He was extremely full of life, energy and vitality." Nevertheless, early on the morning of Sept. 15, less than three days after Vance Vernon Walker received a round of vaccines at Lakeside Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine in Coeur d'Alene, his mother awoke to a nightmare.

"It was about 5:15 a.m. I woke up and thought, "He's not making any noise!" Walker recalled. "I went to pick him up and then I screamed." Her 16 1/2-pound boy was warm and his lips were still pink, but he wasn't moving. Blood was crusted beneath his eyes, and his clothes and toys were covered with a bloody froth. As her husband, Brian, 46, called 911, Walker worked frantically to resuscitate their child. But in the emergency room at Kootenai Medical Center, doctors said Vance had been dead for several hours.

"I grabbed my baby in my arms and held him up and I screamed, 'How in the hell did this happen?' "Walker said. "Was it the vaccines?"

Medical officials from the CDC and the federal Food and Drug Administration are working to answer that question for the Walkers and for families of two other babies who died within six weeks of each other. Two of the deaths have been logged in the voluntary Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System–VAERS – jointly operated by the CDC and FDA, agency officials said. But Dr. Robert West, the Kootenai County coroner, confirmed that three infants died this fall within days of immunization. Parents of the other babies could not be reached for comment.

Autopsies failed to detect any specific vaccine reactions, West said, forcing a determination of SIDS– a "diagnosis of exclusion," he noted. He said he welcomes the federal review. "It is a little bit unusual but not totally unheard of," West said. "It deserves the investigative clout of the CDC."

Walker confirmed that her son's death was one of the Idaho cases reported to VAERS. The other reported child likely was also under the care of the Coeur d'Alene pediatric group, Allen said. That raises the possibility the children received vaccines from the same batch. If the CDC receives three reports of deaths or 10 reports of serious non-fatal injuries related to the same lot of a vaccine, it launches a review, Allensaid. In Vance Walker's case, the immunizations included a dose of Pediarix, a combined vaccine that contains DTaP, hepatitis B and inactivated polio vaccines. His mother's records indicate the lot number of the vaccine manufactured by GlaxoSmithKline was AC21B124B. He also received a dose of Prevnar, lot numberB54007C, a vaccine manufactured by Wyeth Pharmaceuticals. Allen, of the CDC, said it would be up to the medical practice to decide whether to suspend use of the vaccine. Dr. Brian Hickok, the pediatrician forWalker's son, did not return calls about the issue. A representative for the medical practice declined to comment.

Those two vaccines are the most likely to be implicated in any adverse events, said David Terzian,a Virginia lawyer who specializes in vaccine injury cases. Terzian said the Walkers have a good chance of receiving compensation for their son's death through a federal program because it occurred so soon after immunization, well within the 72 hours required by federal rules. Information provided by drug manufacturers and attached to the vaccines reports low numbers of associated deaths. In 14 clinical trials of Pediarix, five deaths were reported among 8,088 recipients ofthe vaccine, including two cases of SIDS. In a study of more than 34,000 children in which about half received Prevnar and half received a control vaccine, a dozen deaths, including five SIDS deaths, occurred in the Prevnar group. By contrast, 21 deaths occurred in the control group, including four SIDS deaths, according to manufacturer data. Immunization specialists acknowledge that any death following vaccination is a tragedy. But they emphasize that far more children died or fell ill in the era before vaccinations." (COP-OUT!!) For the most part, disease is always going to be more risky than getting a vaccine," said Nicole Pender, health educator for the immunization program at the Washington state Department of Health.

That is no comfort to Shelly Walker. She hopes her experience inspires parents to educate themselves about the risks of vaccines and prompts them to monitor any reaction, however slight. She plans to file a claim through the National Vaccine Injury Compensation Program, which provides a maximum of $250,000 after a vaccine-related death. In return, all records related to her son's injury and death will be sealed by the drug manufacturers. Walker is optimistic that they'll use the data to improve product safety so other families won't experience her tragedy."My hope is they're compiling data and statistics to make things better," she said. "I'm trying to believe in the inherent goodness of something here."

David Waddel Died Sept. 4, 2007
Vance Walker Died Sept. 15, 2007
Paiytu Ames Died Oct. 10, 2007

All from the same pediatricians office. YET IT'S UP TO THE PRACTICE WHETHER TO SUSPEND USE OF THE VACCINE OR NOT?!!!

Note to Self

The achievement of anything that you desire must be considered success, whether it is a trophy or money or relationships, or things. But if you will let your standard of success be your achievement of joy—everything else will fall easily into place. For in the finding of joy, you are finding vibrational alignment with the resources of the Universe.

*my emphasis

Excerpted from a workshop in “The Law of Attraction, The Basics of the Teachings of Abraham” on Saturday, July 1st, 2006

Potholes

So, we are in the new library. I am checking out a book when Liberty begins to giggle. The giggle turns into a belly laugh and he is just so tickled about something he can't stop. A couple of nice people that work at the library smile and ask me if someone is in a good mood today. Kindness - I need that. The other older lady looks at Liberty sternly and says, "Sshhh...you need to settle down now. Be quiet." He laughs harder. She seems very irritated as I tell Liberty to be quiet. Yeah, sure mom. She makes a remark about him probably having way too much sugar today. I look at her and say, "He doesn't eat sugar." She says, "Oh, well...." She continues to almost reprimand Liberty, and I say, "My son has autism. He probably does not understand a word you are saying." That shuts her up. All she can say is, "Oh, I'm sorry." But, it is that PITY that gets me, and that urge to hustle us out of the sacred library, where, I might add, there is NO ONE because they are getting ready to close. Why not just let him be, for God's sake?

I am tempted to launch into the mechanics of autism, the gut-brain connection, the yeast...nah, it would be lost on her. Why should I have to explain anyway? Why? I usually don't tell people Liberty has autism until something like this happens or someone persistently tries to get him to answer them.

Mrs. StraightLace represents the general public, I'm afraid. She sees just another child with no manners, another one who does not fit in. Liberty looks "normal" and is so tall for a five year old people do expect more of him. But, try to talk to him and he breaks out into a 2-year-old's gibberish, at which people look at him strangely and back away. They back away from my good-looking little boy who was born perfect and who became brain damaged by a vaccine and my heart breaks over and over again. I am reminded of the nightmare I live everyday and I still can't believe it happened to us. To our family. To our precious child.

A good day has now turned into a bad one. I feel how much we are strangers in our world. We don't fit. He doesn't fit. All of the fears rise up like demons, all of that gunk you think you've risen above and moved on from. I'm in tears as I leave the library for home.

When is a giggle just a giggle and not yeast-related for God's sake? I forget what a normal 5-year-old boy does besides talk. I am not sure what he understands anymore. I am not sure of anything. When I do try to talk to him, all he does is fiddle with my seams obsessively and make noises. He still tries to drag me everywhere. So much for progress with signs. His school thinks he has made progress. Oh, please. I should have had someone in this house helping me every day. I should have gone the ABA way two years ago. Should have been more aggressive.

Coulda, shoulda, woulda. Again.

I am suddenly reminded of how mentally and physically exhausted I am. Maybe that is why I spend time in nostalgia. Maybe it's not related to midlife, but instead just a remembrance of a life gone by. I remember what life was like before all of this; what I was like.

This morning, I was cooking a favorite old recipe of chili beans that my mother used to make for us, that happens to be one of Liberty's staples. I was cooking it ahead to freeze like I always do for some of his meals. The smell of it cooking reminded me of a time when Lib was just a baby. It was autumn and we lived in the old fifties style house with the giant kitchen and the playroom that adjoined it where I could keep my eye on him as I cooked. Such a sweet time. The time before all of the trouble started. He was just my little son and we had wonderful days together then, back when he still nursed and took naps and ate everything that I cooked for supper. It was such a short time as we got the diagnosis at 20 months of age. That memory is now brown around the edges. Everything is in sepia tones. Precious days, gone now.

I will never forget the day that baby was labeled "disabled" by the government. Life became surreal then.

I saw another mom in the library on her way out that I used to know. She, with her two adorable normal children. Me, with my adorable but strangely behaving child. I avoided her like the plague. She would not have recognized me. When she knew me, I was about the size of a toothpick, wearing fashionable clothing. Now, with the extra 30 lbs, the extra wrinkles, the sloppy clothes...I'm sure she would not have even known me now. It would have been too painful to see the shock in her eyes. I'm just a tired mom of an autistic child who can't seem to quite put herself back together again. I think the only ones who really get that are other moms just like me. For those of you reading this, my hat's off to you, too. It's a tough road, but we keep on going for our kids.

I apologize for this being so depressing, but at the same time I'm not deleting it. I allow myself some wallowing time. Because this is the reality of it. It's great to see people who are "fighters" and doing all this stuff for their kids and I appreciate that. I have my own techniques for staying above the pain. But, I also appreciate it when someone .... one of US ... tells it like it really is. I need to acknowledge this part of the trip, too. I have to acknowledge it, so I can feel it and then let it go.

Oh well, it's just another pothole in the road. I will climb out of it. I will spend time finding thoughts that feel better and better to me until I find relief, and once again, I will be back in the driver's seat, talking to other moms, recording what I see each day, giving supplements, trying to help my child function in this world the best that he can. Being hopeful. Having faith. I will look through the lenses of what my child IS doing rather than what he is not doing, I will somehow put it all in perspective again.

But tonight, I'm hanging it all up like a tired, ratty old bathrobe. I will be reading a book, or doing a puzzle and placing my attention on anything...anything other than autism.

We must get rid of these combination vaccinations!

Kids vaccine linked to fever, seizures By MIKE STOBBE,AP Medical Writer Wed Feb 27, 8:28 PM ETATLANTA -

Children suffered higher rates of fever-related convulsions when they got a Merck & Co.combination vaccine instead of two separate shots, according to a new study presented Wednesday. The results prompted a federal advisory panel on vaccines to water down their preference for the combovaccine ProQuad, which protects against measles, mumps and rubella as well as chickenpox.In the study of children ages 12 months through 23 months, the rate of seizures was twice as high in toddlers who got ProQuad, compared with those who got one shot for chickenpox and one for the three other diseases. The risk translates to about one extra case of convulsion for every 2,000 doses of ProQuad given said Dr. Nicola Klein, who lead the federally funded study. She presented the data at a meeting of the AdvisoryCommittee on Immunization Practices. The study focused on children who develop fevers and then go into convulsions — an occurrence that frightens parents but usually has no lingering consequences. There were no deaths in the new study.

ProQuad was licensed in 2005. It's been in extremely short supply since last year, when Merck suspended production because of manufacturing problems. The company expects to resume ProQuad production next year. The panel had previously taken a position that they preferred doctors give children as few needlesticks as possible, and that ProQuad is preferable to giving separate shots. It voted Wednesday to amend that, to say they're no longer voicing a preference for ProQuad over the separate shots. "Safety, shortages, delivery issues — lots of reasons not to state such a strong preference," said member panel Patsy Stinchfield, an infectious disease expert at Children's Hospitals and Clinics of Minnesota. Merck officials said their own research, though preliminary, also showed a doubling of the risk in children within five to 12 days of vaccination. However, the occurrence was low — about 5 cases in 10,000, Merck officials said. They said there was five times more chickenpox antigen, the key ingredient, in the ProQuad shot than in the stand-alone chickenpox shot. But they said it's not clear that would explain the difference in seizure rates. For some reason, the difference disappears when comparing rates for 30 days, Merck officials added. Klein's research checked seizure rates only at seven to 10 days after vaccination, and looked at about 43,000 kids who got ProQuad and 315,000 who got the two other shots together. It found fever-related seizures occurred at a rate of 9 per 10,000 children vaccinated with ProQuad, compared with 4 per 10,000 for those who got separate shots.

Klein is co-director of Kaiser Permanente Vaccine Study Center in Oakland, Calif., one of seven sites in the study. Her work was funded by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. ProQuad costs $124 per dose, about the same as the two other shots combined.

Curiouser and Curiouser

When you are treating a child biomedically, and at the same time trying other modalities such at therapeutic listening and trying to distinguish what is working and what is not,( i.e. where in the heck the strange behaviors are coming from) you begin to feel like you're talking to these guys all of the time. If THIS is the advising committee in my head, I'm in trouble. I'm afraid this is exactly what it feels like, folks. That's me at the head of the table, by the way. The one filtering and sorting through all of the various opinions of the voices in my head. Can you see the concentration on my face, thinking, "What the heck IS this..."

A Mad Tea Party, indeed. Time to wake up the doormouse and have him tell us a story.

I had posted before about testing Liberty for PANDAS which involves basically having Strep titers drawn. PANDAS stands for Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorder Associated with Streptococcus. Geez Louise. That's enough to scare anybody. Apparently, some kids get some odd symptoms right after a Strep infection. They develop things like tics and obsessive behavior, apparently from elevated Strep antibodies.

On our last appointment, I mentioned to Dr. Bock that Liberty had developed what I felt was an obsession with the seams in his shirts, and the seams in anyone else's clothing. He also had a high pitched barky sound he began to make on occasion, and then recently he began covering his ears (at no sound detectable), extreme sensitivity to light and some new eye blinking which could be seen as a tic. Also, I have posted before about Lib (and me) not sleeping through the night. If you go to the website on PANDAS you will find many of these behaviors including "sleep disturbance" could fit this syndrome.

Oh yes, but today I am reminded once again, that things are not always what they seem!

First of all, after finally getting a hold of a human being at the doctor's office and wrangling with the lab here to fax the results again, I got an answer on the PANDAS - the second part of the test we were waiting for called the "DNASE" was negative!

Meanwhile, Liberty has been in a Therapeutic Listening program since last March. There are a few different kinds of programs out there, this one is through a company called Vital Links. Basically, it involves putting on a special pair of headphones and listening to CDs tailored to the child's needs and all of this being overseen by an occupational therapist. In this particular program, Liberty listens to a CD for 2 weeks (twice a day for 30 mins) for 5-7 days, then switches to another CD for another 2 weeks, and alternates for a period of 12 weeks. Then we stop for two weeks and evaluate any progress or lack of it. The CDs they use in the program are incredible. I mean, who knew you could tailor sound for things like body coordination and social skills? Some of the CDs are Mozart, some are jazzy, some are nature sounds and they are all done in a special recording studio.

Anyway, Therapeutic Listening helps a child with auditory processing problems as well as visual processing problems and I always felt APD was a big factor with Liberty.

Having said all of that, I never dreamed that his symptoms were probably being produced by his Therapeutic Listening. When I saw him begin to cover his ears, I decided to stop the listening program for a little while until I figured out what was going on. Apparently, that was not the right thing to do. It did eventually occur to me that something could be going on with the Therapeutic Listening because the last time we took a break, he developed toe walking and spinning, but when he began again, the symptoms promptly went away and his therapists and teachers remarked on how well he was doing.

Now, I had put in a call to my OT but could never get her to return my call. So in the past two weeks of trying to phone her and get her input, I was spinning in circles with the new possible PANDAS diagnosis, and also wondering if the Diflucan which we are still on might be causing something. Or, if perhaps there was something in his 10 supplements that was the culprit. So, I stopped those and began them over again slowly. Then I wondered if stopping those suddenly did something to mess him up. See where the mind goes? Round and round in a circle game.

When I finally got a hold of my OT, do you know what she said? She said she "spilled a Coke on my phone number" and forgot to call me. Now, she has our records on file. Do you think she might have looked up my phone number? Asked the secretary? We went to see her in the office almost every day last summer. I was left speechless. I cannot imagine saying that to anyone!

When I described to her what was happening to Liberty, including the fiddling with his seams, she casually said, "Oh yes, that is quite common. Remember me telling you about the tactile problems that can develop?" No, I really did not log that into my memory if she did tell me. She said that, many times these symptoms mean that what we are doing is working. She said that he is being bombarded with sensory stimulation. She said that a newborn baby hears sounds all at once and has to learn to differentiate his mother's voice and other sounds that are important and let the others fade to the background. She said Lib is covering his ears because he has this new sensitivity because he is probably processing like he has not done before. The air conditioning that I tune out could be suddenly deafening to him, according to her. She told me to try lowering my voice, changing the bass and treble on the tv, etc. She is great at explaining it all to me but getting in touch with her, for some reason, is difficult. There is only one other person in town qualified to administer the program and she has a waiting list three miles long.

Then I thought, perhaps his CDs helped his body awareness and that is why he suddenly is potty training. His therapists thinks so. Oh did I not shout that one out? LIB IS POTTY TRAINING HIMSELF! One day, he used the potty at school repeatedly and then he did at home. I had him in underwear all weekend, traveling here and there in the car, with only one or two accidents at home. It really is phenomenal. I have to look back in my notes...was it only one week or so ago? Now, he is doing this like he's done it forever.

But, wait, how much of these symptoms and/or progress can be attributed to the antifungal, Diflucan - look at what phenomenal success Jenny McCarthy had with her son and getting rid of yeast. Look at the unbelievable yeast die-off Liberty went through.

Also, there is the MB-12 shots we restarted at the correct dose.

Can anyone really know how it's all playing out?

This is tough work. I feel like a detective and I truly understand now why the logo for autism is a puzzle piece. What is so exhausting about it is, you have to really scrutinize and take notes. When the doctor asks you if you see a correlation between sleeping through the night and the antibiotics his pediatrician just put him on for a blossoming ear infection, you have to be able to say yes or no. I mean, I have pretty great intuition, but not when I'm exhausted. Notes help.

I also now have developed very painful TMJ. Not suprising. A little stored anger and tension.

This afternoon, I spoke with the nurse today from Dr. Bock's office. She told me that oftentimes, covering the ears and being suddenly sensitive to light and sound, etc. can mean that detoxification from metals is happening. Again, one more possibility thrown into the ring.

So, it could be ANYTHING.

Perhaps I need to get a psychic involved in the works, add her to the TEAM of Super Sleuths.

No, wait, they are more expensive than the DAN! doctors.

Hey y'all, Wanna Rally?

Well, Jenny McCarthy is organizing a rally in front of the CDC in June!! Here is the link to sign up to participate. Atlanta is only about 5 hours from us, but don't know if we can make it. This would be one of those chances of a lifetime to at least feel like your voice was heard, like you said your piece, and to participate with many like-minded others, parents and other affected family members, friends, and researchers. I think we will give it our best shot to go, after all Jenny is begging for a turnout and she deserves it. WE DESERVE IT.

http://www.talkaboutcuringautism.org/jenny/cdc-rally/index.htm

On another note (only remotely related by Jim Carey, Jenny's partner) the author of the book A New Earth will be on Oprah next week, and Jim and Jenny are going to be on today to talk about the new world that is now coming into being. If you have not read any of Tolle's books, do yourself a favor:

http://www.eckharttolle.com/

Oprah is actually teaching an online class you can sign up for with Tolle in March. Details here

http://www2.oprah.com/index.jhtml

These are just two of the many events happening today that are pointing indeed to some new, exciting, healthy changes, expansion in consciousness, (let's hope), and the birth of a whole new kind of world.

What It Could Be Like to Have Autism

This was sent to me by a new friend I met through my blog. The website credit is below. I thought it was particularly beautiful and insightful.

An essay written by a 16 year old with Autism (the exact transcription)

What I hear is quiet, and relaxing. The warmth of the surroundings is welcoming. The farm is like a little peace of heaven. When I am on the farm I can be me. I can run fast, far, and free. I can climb like a monkey and fish like a man. No one has to know how different I am. On the farm you can be anything.

I sleep in bed with the moonlight shining in. It is golden and bright. It brings with it the protection of a worn, well tattered, well loved old, faded blanket. It shines like a light that is coming to carry me away. It hits the side of the red brick house with purpose and furasity. Moonlight is welcome to visit me anytime. The warmth it brings makes me feel protected and normal. The beams come visit me just like anyone else. I can pretend to be just another kid who sees the same moon, only with autistic eyes.

I love the water. Any kind, even the murky, dirty, grotesque slimy water of the creek. The creek exists on its own and accepts the fact that its beauty lies within it, unseen by the eye of men. I can associate with this. My inside is deep, dark and murky. I share secrets with the water. I feel accepted by the creek for the creature that I am. No judgement does take place between us.

Stillness and peacefulness surround me. Old, worn, well traveled brick streets that have seen a lot welcome me to the weekend getaway. They have seen much before me, and will see much after me. As I walk streets, I hold dear the knowledge that I am just a heavy weight traveling to and from. My destination and purpose matter not. I am just passing threw like socks on their way to the washing machine. Each sock is washed the same whether on the right foot or the left.

Wild and free, overgrown and untamed, the soft green field is alive. It does as it wishes, it does not meet expectations placed on it. I am nothing that the field is and it is everything that I want to be. I don't, I can't, I won't. I can only pretend to be the delightful and mindful Joey.

Yes, I am different. I struggle to be me, the average american teen. I am not, have not, and will never be, such a form filled, cutout mold filling teen. This is not to say that I do not want to fit in. I do, I just have to pretend. My isolated world is terrifying. When I am on the farm, I escape the reality of my world and blend into the big picture, invisible, and for a short while incognito. I can be whomever, Tom, Dick, or Harry. The farm offers without judgement a place to escape to a world I desperately want to belong to.

http://www.webpediatrics.com/autism.html

Carly Fleischman

In case you missed ABC news tonight, Carly is a teenaged girl with autism who suddenly began speaking via her computer. This really blows me away. You can go to the site and see how many people asked her questions. We are so desperate to know what life is like for a person with autism. I wonder what my son understands. It is so frustrating not knowing.
http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=4312070

The Human Camera

This story was on Good Morning America about Stephen Wiltshire. I do not know the details of his autism, but his drawing ability is incredible. He draws in detail from memory. Watch as he draws buildings from Rome after flying over the city.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dAfaM_CBvP8&feature=related

The Land of Noddin' Off

Ah, sleep! That necessary part of life. The thing that keeps your hormones balanced and what my beloved Dr. Oz says is one of the secrets to aging well. I am afraid to take his "What's Your Real Age?" test. I think it might show that I have aged 10 years in the last few months.

I have not gotten a full night's sleep in over two weeks. The crows feet around my eyes are beginning to resemble tire tracks.

Little Lib is either going through some kind of stage, or we are getting more serious side-effects to his antifungal. We are past the die-off, which I feel is some measure of success, but other behaviors are worrisome, such as the sudden sensitivity to sound (microwave oven, cell phone ringing, etc.) and also sensitivity to light. How about going to bed at 8 and popping back up and down from 12 to 4? This includes going around the house and flushing all of the toilets when he wakes up (but then he runs from the sound).

Also, now instead of just the seams of his shirts and pants bothering him, he has taken to ripping all of his clothes off in bed, and unless I check him constantly which is something I am not up for doing at the wee small hours of the morning. He will wet the bed as well, then I am up either changing the bed or throwing a towel over the wet spot if I have run out of linens at around 3 AM and stumbling back to sleep only to discover a spilled sippy cup in the bed. I tried giving him 3 mg of melatonin and it had the opposite effect - he buzzed around the house like a firefly.

I have been on my last dangling nerve for some time now and that one is fraying around the edges.

I do spy some hope as of yesterday, however. (And, yes of course I have calls into his doctor at Rhinebeck - I always have calls into Rhinebeck!) Liberty came down with a cold which made him want to sleep, and I think we might have finally straightened out his sleep cycle. He was only up once briefly and he slept through the night until 7 AM. I am sure you all heard the angels singing - it was a beautiful hallelujah chorus.

And, I have discovered the beauty and power of naps. Yes, naps! Glorious little cat naps that recharge my battery. When Liberty took a nap in the past three days, I took one, even if it was only for an hour, and I found that I had so much more energy for the rest of the day and was much less irritable (I am sure to the delight of all within my energy field). I have a lot to do during each day and have been frequently overwhelmed by trying to come up with schedules for myself, to no avail. But, ironically, taking time out to recharge ME has given me more energy and therefore seemingly more time to do things that I need to do. Working at night used to be hard. I would want to go to bed when Liberty did, I was just so worn out. Now, I am much more efficient and can get a lot done at night before I go to bed without being so ragged out that I just fall into bed at midnight.

And, something came into alignment today, like a vertebrae sliding easily back into its spinal groove. Today, I really had a new start. I got Liberty to school on time. I went out and walked a mile and a half in 25 minutes. I came home and worked out and cranked the music up loud. I forgot how powerful music is to change your mood and to motivate. I, of all people, should know this. I danced for years when I was younger (no not in a bar), ballet, tap, and jazz, and was a certified dance exercise instructor later in life. Dancing and music are what make me sublimely happy. Now, if you could be a fly on the wall in my house in the morning, you would probably burst out laughing at the site of an out of shape 48-year-old woman lifting weights to David Bowie's Rebel Rebel. It's probably not pretty, but I don't care. I had FUN this morning. I even got into some really old music of "my era" - God how that ages me - like Michael McDonald's "What a Fool Believes" and "How Long" by Ace or "Crazy Love" by Poco...yep, the 70s. I'm sorry, but there has been some clerical mistake on my drivers license because I know I am still in my twenties. At least that is how it feels (to my mind, not my creaky body).

Maybe that is how it always feels. Things that happened in the 70s and 80s seemed like yesterday to me. But I digress...

Since walking and working out, I have done yoga, written this blog, made fake Ritz crackers for Liberty (I'll get back to you on those), and am gearing up for another blissful little nap interlude where I shall, "fall into the arms of Morpheus" as my wonderful father likes to say, for about an hour before my little darling gets off the bus. [Truly, I could do a whole blog piece on the sayings of my father and his contribution to my appreciation for so much in life - love ya Dad - he reads my blog].

I have to end this post by telling you about something funny Liberty did, because, in the midst of all of this awfully draining stuff, he does things that just crack me up.

By now you have read the post about the pretzels he loved that I had to take away because they contained yeast. Well, yesterday, I put his TV and DVD back in his room so he could watch his movies in his bed while he was sick. He was so delighted he clapped his hands and hugged me. I left him in his room watching Kipper the Dog, and went into my office to work. Then, I see something out of the corner of my eye...it's Liberty hoisting our giant garbage can which is one of those cylindrical things made by Umbro, down the hall. He carried that thing all the way to his bedroom and then made a gesture for his father to stick his hand in the garbage can. This is the last place he saw the pretzel bag, people. Apparently, he got it in his head, that those pretzels he loved would go great as a snack in the bedroom while watching TV.

Non-verbal gets pretty funny sometimes.

Catchin' Up

I had a phone appointment with Lib's doctor last week and went over all that has been happening with the antifungal, Diflucan. Dr. Bock wants Lib to stay on it as we have seen gains. He told me to cut back the dose if his reactions increase. He also told me to try giving it to him at different times during the day to see if we can get him to sleep. Last week, he only slept ONE NIGHT through the night, and then this weekend, he was up each night from 1:00 to 4:30 AM. Thankfully, last night he slept through the night and I had given him the Diflucan around 9 AM yesterday. So, I hope that the sleeping issue is now solved because I look and feel like road kill.

It's funny what the world looks like when you finally get a decent night's sleep. Liberty did not sleep for most of his life, so going backwards is hard. I don't know how I ever made it through all of those years of getting so little and constantly interrupted sleep.

Dr. Bock said he wants to make sure we get the yeast issue solved so we can get to the Valtrex which is to take down inflammation in his body. This is the whole point of doing the antifungal. Valtrex will make yeast go crazy. It's a funny thing, I never would have pegged Liberty as having a yeast problem, but, I am a believer now.

There is an excellent article I received this morning through one of my Yahoo groups I belong to, written by Dr. Amy Yasko on the viral connection to autism. Turns out that Streptococcus can also be a culprit in creating leaky gut syndrome. I never knew that. You can read her paper here: http://f1.grp.yahoofs.com/v1/UAynRybbJZrQ9qxn5GSFjrrN9i9R1GbyK2VCaLzMrkwmY2EzJkPk9BFWomLw49DRxXksRt6VqHL5jMMpJIahs3r_pGOlUmm5ylUfeQ/Twisted%20Tale%20of%20Thimerosal%20and%20Virus%20Paper.pdf

Speaking of Strep, I told Dr. Bock that Liberty had suddenly developed a perseverative behavior with seams in his shirts and seams in the clothing of others. I also asked him if the Diflucan increases urine output, because there were a few days that the teachers told me they went through a huge amount of diapers. He said there is a syndrome that can develop from the Streptococcal virus and he sent me a prescription for something called an ASO titer. You might have heard of something called PANDAS (Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders Associated with Streptococcal Infections) http://intramural.nimh.nih.gov/pdn/web.htm . Not only did Lib develop the obsession with the shirt seams, he also had increased daytime urination, a lot of blinking, and then the problem sleeping - all listed as symptoms of PANDAS. So, we have to get this test to see if he had a strep infection that went untreated in the past few months. If not, I guess we can attribute the symptoms to the Diflucan.

If anyone knows anything about this whole PANDAS syndrome, please let me know. I do remember sometime in November, having a feeling that swept across my consciousness ever so briefly, that I should have had a Strep test done at the doctor's office. I think Lib might have had a cough or a cold or something. I was so proud that he has not needed a doctor since July, that it never crossed my mind to get his throat checked out, and no one at the school had Strep, to my knowledge. Last year, his teacher would tell me whenever another child in the class came down with it, so I would be sure and ask for a Strep test at the doctor's office. This PANDAS thing has me a little nervous. We don't need any NEW symptoms, for God's sake.

In the midst of all of this chaos with the Diflucan, Liberty is doing some really great things such as picking up new signs at lightning speed and signing spontaneously, giving the best eye contact ever, increasingly differentiated sounds and vocalizations, riding a bike on his own for the first time, stacking Leggos for the first time, using the potty and flushign the toilet, feeding himself with a spoon, and eating new foods. This is absolutely huge progress in a very short amount of time.

So, because of this, I did not put up a fight to stop the Diflucan, and I trust Dr. Bock to know what he is doing. I think we had the trouble we had at first because we started him off at 1 teaspoon a day right out of the gate instead of starting with 1/4 teaspoon and gradually building up. The other error I made was giving him the charcoal which really constipated him. My advice to anyone who is starting the antifungal treatment is to start out slowly and to ONLY give the charcoal if the symptoms are really bad, and then just a little bit mixed in with some unsweetened applesauce. It only takes a little bit for a small child and not two to three capsules like I had given him. Poor kid! And, to also keep the child's bowels moving every single day without fail because the dying yeast give off toxins and they need to get out of the body as soon as possible.

ANYHOO, here is some advice I could entitle, "Don't Let This Happen To You." When you go on this antifungal thing, it is important to not give your child YEAST! ha ha. Now, anyone could figure this out, but I was SO intent on finding new foods and textures for Lib to eat, that I continued to try to give him some gf/cf pretzels. Pretzels - think, "baked goods." On the label, "yeast" was listed last in very teen tiny writing. Well, what do you think happened? My son LOVED THE PRETZELS. The teachers were so proud. My husband even invented a sign for them which my son readily picked up. The thing is, he became rather obsessed with the pretzels which should have been my first clue. What can I say, when you are sleep deprived, you miss things.

So, when it finally dawned on me what was happening (and his symptoms were really pronounced on the Diflucan as you might imagine), I got a call from Lib's teacher at almost that very instant when the lightbulb in my head went off, who had called to tell me that they just discovered that the sign my husband came up with meant "vagina" in American Sign Language and they wanted to know if they should continue...so that was the end of the pretzels and thankfully the end of that sign. It's a diamond shape if you're wondering, let's don't go there.

So, Liberty looks in the garbage can every day now, the last place where he saw the pretzel bag.

Poor love. We replaced the pretzels with something called "Pirates Booty" which is puffed rice and corn rolled in spinach and broccoli powder, which I thought were totally nasty but Liberty actually ate them.

The other thing I have done is to go almost completely sugar free. I have begun using Xylitol in all of our recipes and I really like it a lot. I became enamoured with the stuff when I found out all its benefits. Turns out it is an antibacterial and can prevent tooth and gum decay. It also purportedly balances hormones and blood sugar. I'm trying it myself, taking a teaspoon a day.

Meanwhile, Lib's eating his graham crackers as a snack, and of course they are not as good without the brown sugar, but the xylitol still makes them sweet and the main thing is that Lib eats them!

So, all in all, I guess you could say I've been successful finally with the antifungal and with a diet that will support the destruction of yeast: Gluten free, casein free, yeast free, and sugar free. Not an easy task by any means, but we're doing it and surviving.

Are there any awards given out for this? I think we should have badges we can collect and display, like when I was a Girl Scout and got a badge for "Hospitality" or "Fire Safety" or whatever. Can we have some for Antifungals? Metals? Gluten/casein-free diet?

Don't cha think we deserve some kind of recognition for this hard work??!!

Mardi Gras til you drop

And you thought New Orleans had this whole Mardi Gras thing sewed up? Our town has a parade at night, seen here, one today, and one tomorrow at the beach. Next week, it's cajun music, red beans and rice under a tent in the beach parking lot. Before this, there have been dances and formal balls throughout the entire month of January. I mean, any excuse for a party around here, they grab it. I don't blame 'em.

My husband and I took little Lib to the parade downtown today. Just about all of the floats were pirate ships complete with shooting cannons and rock n roll music; and at either end of the boat were large jugs full of margaritas or beer. You gotta love a ship full of middle-aged women dressed in togas who call themselves the Krewe of Aphrodite or something like that. People go nuts for the beads and moon pies they throw. Even the cops and firemen were throwing them. We gathered quite a collection that Lib has been playing with all day. He had a ball riding on his dad's shoulders and digging the crowd. He especially liked the bubble machine and the baton twirlers. Right before it was over, he had had enough noise.

Funny kid. The cannon balls and noise of the crowd do not bother him, but a flushing toilet does.

Speaking of toilets...I am probably the only person I know who can get herself stuck in a port-o-potty. Something happened to the latch and I locked myself in. Talk about panic. Then, in trying to open the latch, I cut my fingers all up. I imagined having to call someone with a blowtorch to carve me out, making the front page of the newspaper, crowd gathered 'round.

I finally got out of that thing by the Grace of God. This phenomenon seems to run in my family - I believe it is caused by something called the "Lucy gene."

Never a dull moment in these parts.

More on the continuing saga of the anti-yeast affair later - one reason why I haven't posted much recently.

Eli Stone

Here is an article I thought worth sharing regarding the topic of the upcoming new show called Eli Stone that debuts tomorrow night. I read about the episode where Stone sues a vaccine manufacturer for causing a boy's autism, but I did not really know what the show Eli Stone is really all about.

Here it is:

Eli Stone: Autism and the Redemptive Powers of Faith
By Julie Deardorff of the Chicago Tribune. tinyurl.com/2zben7 Eli_2

Unlike officials at the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) and many pro-vaccination bloggers, I've had a chance to watch the entire pilot episode of ABC's legal comedy/drama "Eli Stone." The already controversial program, which debuts Thursday at 9 p.m. and subjects viewers to fanciful scenes involving pop singer George Michael, depicts a lawyer who argues in court that a mercury-based preservative in a flu vaccine made a child autistic. The AAP, after watching a seven-minute trailer of the show and reading media reports, was so outraged a sacred cow had been attacked that it demanded that ABC cancel the episode. Ironically, the move is drawing even more attention to the show. While the program includes statements that science has refuted any link between autism and vaccines, the AAP complained that "the episode's conclusion delivers a contrary impression; the jury awards the mother $5.2 million, leaving audiences with the destructive idea that vaccines do cause autism." I disagree. For starters, the AAP ought to give television viewers a little more credit. Will we really believe Eli Stone is a prophet who hears songs by George Michael, of all people, every time he has a vision? Moreover, the autism in the story line is almost incidental given all the other loopy things that are packed into the pilot. It's not about whether vaccines cause autism. What the episode's conclusion really asks is: Which is the greater force in life: science or faith? If the AAP had watched the whole program (or scanned the Web site), it might have seen that Eli Stone's brother, the doctor who diagnoses Eli's brain aneurysm represents science. Stone's acupuncturist friend, Dr. Chen, embodies faith. And as Dr. Chen tells Eli, "Everything has two explanations: scientific and divine. We choose which one to believe." This is how the autism-vaccine debate is playing out. Parents who are concerned about the safety of vaccines have already made up their minds. It won't matter how many studies show there is no link between vaccines and autism. We all believe our own truths. Vaccines can be life-saving, but like any medical procedure, they carry risks, even if autism is not "officially" one of them. It's up to every individual to get educated on vaccine safety and to consider benefits versus risks. I applaud ABC for trying to keep the conversation going once the television has been turned off. Eli Stone’s premiere episode airs Thursday night abc.go.com/fallpreview/elistone/index and there is nothing like a controversy to spark high ratings.

Think I'll tune in!

Oh - and hop on over to The Age of Autism (http://www.ageofautism.com/) for email addresses and phone numbers of ABC officials to help keep this show on the air, and for some more information on the controversy it has stirred up so far in the AAP, et al.

Potty Talk

My boy acutally used the potty and flushed the toilet. In fact, he liked flushing so much, I heard the toilet flushing from time to time as I was doing other things in the house. This, from a kid who used to run when he heard the noise.

Progress? Me thinks, yes!

Coincidentally, I was just getting ready to have a meeting on Monday with some teachers and a behavioral specialist to ask that they please back me up on potty training Lib at school (IOW putting him in underwear instead of pull-ups).

That's Lib. Just when I think he is so delayed with a certain behavior, he does it.

In his world, everything is right on time. Someday, I will GET that.

Time Enough At Last

Remember this? In one of the best Twilight Zone episodes ever, Burgess Meredith plays a bank teller with a passion for books who cannot get enough time to read. He is down in the bank vault when a nuclear warhead hits and destroys everything. Long story short, he is alone with all of the books in the library scattered around him - time at last to read all he wants with no one to interfere - until he breaks his eyeglasses in true twilighty-zone irony.

Anyway, I remember this story every time I find a good new book to read. Reading is one of my tiny islands of pleasure; a mini-mental vacation. I rarely get the time to read, but now that the weather has turned cold and nasty, Liberty is back in school and I can sneak time in between working and household chores, I am once again back into my favorite pasttime.

I'm especially excited because Stephen King's new novel just hit the shelves called "Duma's Key," set in Florida, no less. I know, I know. Lots of people think that King is all blood, guts and aliens. He often includes that in his stories, and I was never a fan of his until I read his book, "On Writing," which are his thoughts on the craft with a brief memoir thrown in. I loved this book and I became fascinated by him and read, "The Stand," his 1200 page epic novel of what happens to our culture after a major flu virus hits and wipes out most of the population; "Bag of Bones," an incredible and scary love story, and then last year I read, "Lisey's Story." If you have not read Lisey's Story yet, you need to. It's an experience, as are all of King's novels. His writing is so good that you are able to really get into the psyches of his characters, you come to care so much about the people in his stories, you really don't care when he stretches the boundaries of sanity. In fact, you come to appreciate him for it. He makes you think about his books for a long time after reading them. I'm usually hooked by his first sentence.

My other favorite authors have not written anything in awhile. I hear that Pat Conroy has a 700 pager that is due to come out this year which I am awaiting with baited breath. After reading "Beach Music," I didnt think there was another novel as great...then I picked up "Prince of Tides." Dear God, the movie paled in comparison, in fact, it really just was NOT the book. He is probably my favorite author next to King.

Haven't heard anything from Anne Rivers Siddons since her last wonderful novel, "Sweetwater Creek." She's a great Southern writer - I learned so much about saltmarshes, tidal creeks, the old Gullah culture, and "pluff mud." Then there's Sue Monk Kidd who, after "The Secret Life of Bees," left me aching for another novel in that same type of genre as "Fried Green Tomatoes."

Rosemund Pilcher, a Scottish writer famous for novels such as "The Shell Seekers," and "Winter Solstice," a book I never wanted to end, another favorite of mine.

This summer, I read "Evening" by Susan Minot which was a good novel, but the movie was even better - still not a great movie - but with Meryl Streep and her daughter, Vanessa Redgrave and her daughter, Clare Danes, Toni Collette, the gorgeous Patrick Wilson, and Glenn Close, how could you not love it? Sometimes I will watch a movie over and over again just for the sheer mood it invokes. I think I did that with "Something's Gotta Give," a fabulous soundtrack, by the way.

Anyway, my ramblings for a cold, rainy morning. I'm going to my reading corner now. May you find a good book to lose yourself in this Winter.

See ya!

Moving On

Just an update on our situation with Liberty receiving the wrong strength of methyl-B12 shots. The pharmacist made the shots incorrectly because it was "too hard." Dr. Bock's nurse had no way of knowing they were wrong. I should have called up to the office and read the prescription to the nurse when we picked up the shots, but I had no reason to believe they were the wrong thing.

We are glad to have found out this problem and have moved on. We received our shots from Hopewell Pharmacy the other day and will be getting everything from them, including the antifungal which we have started again at a much lower dose. Hopewell sends out our stuff so fast, it's amazing, and you can reorder stuff on line. I am really pleased with them.

I have an appointment with Dr. Bock next week, and, as far as I am concerned, we are just moving forward.

Liberty is doing great so far on the reduced dose of antifungal. For some reason, his appetite increased and he ate four new foods this week. That is nothing short of phenomenal.

After a rocky start, I am looking forward to seeing how my son does on the proper methylB-12 shots. My husband and I remembered that, when Lib received his first shot of the proper dose of MB12 in Dr. Bock's office in NY this summer, he immediately started vocalizing more.

In the end, I think that the lesson is, go to a reputable pharmacy and, as far as the MB12 shots are concerned, they have to be made properly and often small compounding pharmacies just cannot do it. Cut your losses and go to the big, reputable guys, namely Hopewell Pharmacy, Lee Silsby, and the other one that Dr. Bock's office recommends, Fallon's.

'Nuff said.

The Guest House, (a poem by Rumi)

"This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond."

Getting my feathers straight

When I need to rest, I get on a boat and go to San Salvatore, my Italian castle, and swim in the Mediterranean Sea. I need this kind of time-out. I want to bask in the warm sun on a rock or in a fragrant field, until I hear the bell ringing calling me to lunch or dinner... 'time out o' mind.

This is my all-time favorite movie that puts me back where I need to be, each and every time, without fail - and the best commentary on the true nature of Love, I've ever seen.

Love.

The "wrong" methyl-B12 shots?

I am at this moment in time a very hurt and disillusioned mother.

Because of the astute persistence of a certain autism mom who kept telling me to check Neubrander's site (the neurologist who came up with the methyl-B12 protocol), to check my pharmacy, to check my shots to see if they were the strength they are supposed to be according to Neubrander, today,I find they are half strength. Half strength.

Half strength means, not the proper protocol - the wrong protocol. Six months, and no one would have even noticed in Dr. Bock's office that we were getting a sub-standard MB-12 shot.

I have to question Dr. Bock's practice now and that pains me a great deal. I especially question his nurse. Do you know what she said to me? "Oh, well, give him two shots a day." I told her that my son had just been through hell this past weekend with severe constipation caused by her mistake, and there was no way I was giving him two shots a day, and more importantly, THAT IS NOT THE PROTOCOL and Dr. Neubrander clearly states this on his website. It's just wrong, plain and simple, and she doesn't know this?

This morning, I checked with all of my autism mom friends and asked them to read me their prescription. Sure enough, theirs reads differently than mine. Theirs is right.

I have about had it. I called and left a message for the nurse who was responsible for calling in the initial prescription. I want answers. Did Dr. Bock write the prescription wrong? Did the pharmacist read the prescription wrong? What happened? The fact that I never would have known leaves me feeling very empty.

Even my homeopath I saw today in the health food store knows better; he was apalled.

My son is okay. He survived the overdose on charcoal. He was not harmed by the low amount of B-12. We will order the new shots at a higher price from the correct pharmacy. We eventually will talk to Dr. Bock, if he is ever available. I might have to wait until my appointment January 29, but you can bet I am faxing a letter tomorrow to be placed in the chart.

It's just that I have lost confidence in my DAN! doctor, the one thing in my life that I thought was going right, and now I don't know how to feel. I emailed another DAN! doctor six hours away from us in Florida. We heard her speak last year and she is great. She is Dr. Kartzinel's partner, so her practice is slammed, too, but the thing about her is she is accessible. She emails you back. She is very available to her patients and that is what we need. At least she was last time I checked which was back in September.

I respect Dr. Bock's knowledge and felt so privileged to get in with him. But, now, the bloom is off the rose, so to speak.

Perhaps he can redeem himself. I cannot take advice from his nurse anymore. She is just giving out information that is wrong. Dr. Bock has no other nurses. So, it's me and their voice mail. Me, my anger, and their voice mail.

Slowly, my glass of wine is taking the edge off of the anger, I am slowly releasing my resistance. What will be will be. If we need to switch doctors, we will. We will certainly get better shots, the right shots. It's just six months of my son's life, that's all. WTF?

Dreams

My friend Carrie has been posting a lot about her dreams. I admit that I dream a lot and I love my dreams, but this past year it seems I have been in a "dry spell." Or so I thought.

It wasn't until I had been woken up abruptly again and again by my son this past week that I realized I'm dreaming but not remembering. And the theme turns out to be the same. I'm always losing my son. I'm always suddenly wondering where he is. How could I have left him like that? It's not the panic dreams like I had when he was a baby, common to new mothers. You know the ones where you get in the car and realize you left your baby at home, or at the store, or in the park, etc. Those are just fear run-off dreams.

But I realized that in my waking life, I have often said that I had my son with me finally, when he was born, and then I lost him again when he disappeared into autism. I wanted him so badly. I had a devastating miscarriage before him and it was so hard for me to get myself in a place of trust and peace and courage to go forward again. It's kind of like I'm here all over again. Wow.

So, yes dreams do reflect reality in so many ways. I suppose I am always looking for him, even in my dreams. The last dream I had was that I was in an airport and Liberty was suddenly missing. Then I found out another mother who had a child with autism herself, found him. She was in a different state, though, and I had to call her on the phone. I remember being so relieved and grateful.

Perhaps this reflects the fact that the most useful help I have received regarding my son's health has been from other moms.

I am convinced all autism moms are blood relatives.

Love.

Giving it Time

Our doctor and his nurse are not in their offices today. I called and let another nurse know about the experience we had with the charcoal and the Diflucan. She seemed to be rather shocked by it, but anyway, for now, we are resting.

My little son spent the entire day yesterday resting, only to get up around 4:00 PM, eat a little food, prance and skip to some music I was playing, and then promptly put himself back to bed at 6:00 PM. Does this tell you anything about how tired and wasted his little body must feel? I just feel terrible about this - even though I was just following directions, what did I do to my boy? It think it could have turned out worse than it did and that scares me to death.

Where was my intuition? I asked the nurse on Wednesday if the charcoal was constipating and she told me no, and also told me that the charcoal can't hurt him. I now beg to differ. I am really curious to hear what Dr. Bock has to say.

Meanwhile, there is a big part of me that wants to just stop all of this. I feel like my son is a guinea pig in an experiment, and, of course, the reality is, he is. If I had had to take him to the emergency room here this weekend, the mainstream doctors would not have understood at all what we were trying to do.

My sister says it's like I'm trying to practice medicine without a license, in the sense that there is no one here to observe my son and guide the progress, oversee the protocol. All I have are anectodal stories and a loose guideline for what to do and what to expect. In the light of wanting to recover my son biomedically, all of that seemed okay, until I saw how badly my son was hurting. It reminds me of when I took him to get his shots, especially the MMR. I didn't know what I was doing on that fateful day and now I can't take it back. I remember the hesitation, how I drug my feet, not wanting to take him in. I just blindly pushed forward because my doctor told me to.

In this recent situation, I think that if I've learned anything, I have learned to start out giving gradual doses of medicine to Liberty to see how he reacts first. The doctor did not tell me to do this, but so many other moms who are trying the antifungals are telling me they started at a reduced dose. This stuff costs $86 a bottle and it only is good for two weeks.

The Universe is telling me to slow down and be careful and gentle. If I decide to start this up again, it will be in a dramatically different way, and I will insist upon it...or change to some other alternatives like olive leaf extract.

But for now, we rest.