Dreams

My friend Carrie has been posting a lot about her dreams. I admit that I dream a lot and I love my dreams, but this past year it seems I have been in a "dry spell." Or so I thought.

It wasn't until I had been woken up abruptly again and again by my son this past week that I realized I'm dreaming but not remembering. And the theme turns out to be the same. I'm always losing my son. I'm always suddenly wondering where he is. How could I have left him like that? It's not the panic dreams like I had when he was a baby, common to new mothers. You know the ones where you get in the car and realize you left your baby at home, or at the store, or in the park, etc. Those are just fear run-off dreams.

But I realized that in my waking life, I have often said that I had my son with me finally, when he was born, and then I lost him again when he disappeared into autism. I wanted him so badly. I had a devastating miscarriage before him and it was so hard for me to get myself in a place of trust and peace and courage to go forward again. It's kind of like I'm here all over again. Wow.

So, yes dreams do reflect reality in so many ways. I suppose I am always looking for him, even in my dreams. The last dream I had was that I was in an airport and Liberty was suddenly missing. Then I found out another mother who had a child with autism herself, found him. She was in a different state, though, and I had to call her on the phone. I remember being so relieved and grateful.

Perhaps this reflects the fact that the most useful help I have received regarding my son's health has been from other moms.

I am convinced all autism moms are blood relatives.

Love.